Friends
In every class I’ve had where the teacher covers ‘The Big Bang’ theory one student inevitably raises their hand and asks the followup question, “But what happened before the Big Bang?” or some variation thereof. Every teacher has their own way of handling it, some answering, “I don’t know,” some venturing into theology and others saying “there was simply nothing.” With the student’s minds sufficiently blown the teacher then moves on to other topics.
The classic human question is “Why are we here?” Our church has a pretty good answer to that; to gain a body and to “prove [our]selves herewith…”(exactly what that means may be up for debate). Some people ask the followup question, “Where were we before?” Very few, however ask this question, “Why did God do it at all?” I’ve found an answer to that question, “A continuing association in this life, as well as in the next, with those we love, should be the great desire of every person. It is the ulitmate. It is the great purpose of mortality. (Elder Elray L. Christiansen, Three Important Questions, Ensign, May 1974, 25)” We exist to build relationships, to learn to love people, and live so we can be with the ones we love.
The reason why we are here is to love people, and the reason why we need to love people is so we can enjoy their company in the eternities. Just to further solidify the point I’ll quote some scriptures. Among the very first things God said about the condition of man is that “It is not good that the man should be alone.” Ecclesiastes tells us that the strength of two together is better than one. In Matthew 18 Jesus states that “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Showing that having a friend or two with you gives more benefits than pleasant company. Now lets address the other questions of, who, what, when and how?
Who? Everyone knows that we are supposed to have love in our hearts for all mankind. In the condensed version of the commandments we are told to love our neighbors as ourselves, and are further instructed that our ‘neighbor’ is just about anyone we see. However considering the plight of Job, his friends were often not a comfort to him. Proverbs counsels that we “make no friendship with an angry man.” And gives as a warning “Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.” Which gives the idea that we will pick up the habits of our friends, and should choose as friends those that will lift us up.
What? What does a friend do? Some of Job’s good friends came to mourn with him. And Proverbs (again) says that “A friend loveth at all times.” A good friend will be honest with you, and will treat you with respect.
When? As an aspiring scientist I really like the idea of having something named after me. Like Fermat’s Theorem, Snell’s Law etc etc. For now I have what I call Starfoxy’s Paradox(TM). The paradox is that God will sometimes give commandments to us that we are not able to keep. (No matter what Nephi says!) Therefore there are many people saying something like this: “I want a friend. I’ve been commanded to have a friend. I’m trying to have friends. Through circumstances beyond my control, I am not able to have friends at this time.” The circumstances could be language barriers, lack of suitible canidates, or situations that require large amounts of time alone. (Starfoxy’s Paradox(TM) also applies to marriage: I want to be married, I’ve been commanded to get married, I’m trying, but I’m not able to be married right now.)
Which leads us to the really big questions, how? How on earth does one go about finding, and being the high quality friend and companion that we want and need? I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t feel qualified to tell anyone how to make or be a friend. I’ve had many bad experiences with friends, and the people that I get along with best are often not my peers. (I get along well with people who are on average 10-15 years older than me.) I’ve noticed recently that I rely too heavily on the social structure provided by the church to make my friends. I’ve also noticed that I am inept at interacting with people when I am not forced to by an external force (a job, a class, etc). So now I’m pushing this question on to you, how do you make friends?
April 4th, 2006 13:37
Not that I’m any great expert on the matter (far from it in fact) but one piece of advice that my mother gave me seems to be very key. “To make a friend you have to be a friend.” At church, at your child’s playgroup or a local meeting of sci-fi aficionados (check your library’s bulletin board or other communal gathering points) be friendly. Smile at people. Volunteer for projects or, if you don’t have time for the whole project, offer to donate something (maybe those unused scrapbooking dogoodies) that they can use. Doing things for people is not only a pleasure, it’s also a good way to get to know them.
April 4th, 2006 16:01
Very nice comments, Starfoxy.
I’ve made some strong friendships in the bloggernacle. I tend to be kind of quiet, in real life, so some of my best friends are people I know through blogs. As for the other things - well, I’m working on them.
Thanks for some great thoughts. (Maybe we can be friends!
). I’m reminded of the last line from Casablanca, where Louie tells Bogart “this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.” So clearly, the road to friendship is to smuggle people out of the clutches of the Nazis! But on a broader level, we become friends as we do things together, share ideas, depend on each other. It’s a process, and we can always do better. Or at least, I can always do better.
April 4th, 2006 16:59
I am not that best at making friends, I thought I was at one point in my life, but I have discovered that in the long run, they just leave, and I never hear from them again. I don’t trust easily and that is my biggest fault, I never completely open up with how I feel. I have been trampled too many times in the past. Still, I try to be friendly, and talk to those in need . I try to smile, and be that friend when someone needs someone to talk too. I try to find people with the same interests, music, life, faith,(not necessarily the same as religion), and great listeners.
April 5th, 2006 10:17
Thanks for this good post.
I have found two things that work, at least for me. Almost everybody likes to be invited over for dinner. We have found a few semi-fancy dishes we can prepare well and now it’s fun for us to invite people into our home. We have made new friends this way, in the ward and in the neighborhood among people not of our faith. It has been very enjoyable to then be invited to their children’s recitals, Bar Mitzvahs, games, etc.
I have also tried to develop good listening skills. I’m still not very good at it, but it is amazing how people will open up to you when you look them in the eye, smile, and nod occasionally when they are talking.
April 6th, 2006 04:45
It is good not to be alone. But before you try and befriend the world, get to know whether or not you need a lot of them or what. Are you an introvert or an extrovert. And I don’t mean “do you like to go to parties or not”. An introvert is recharged by being by herself. An extrovert is recharged by being with other people. I have an introvert friend who when she moved into a new ward picked out a person who she thought she would want to be friends with and dwent for it. I am an extrovert and when I move to a new place I know I’d better get busy making friends and lots of them or misery would soon set in. I like to know who everyone is at the social and I usually try and talk to almost everybody. It drives my husband crazy. He is an introvert and would rather talk to the same people the whole time at all the socials.
If you are an introvert, I would concentrat eon the friends you have whethter or not they are 10 years or 20 years older than you. You dodn’t want to drain your energy and you are most important. If you are in a new place pick a couple and focus on those. I’m only assuming you are an introvert from your post, however I don’t know. What are you?
April 6th, 2006 08:58
Thanks for the comments everyone!
Just for some background my husband and I are buying a house. We’ll be moving into the area in a few months and I’m trying to prepare a “friend strategy.” I know that if I don’t start trying to be friendly right away then I’ll start feeling like I missed my chance, and not even try. For some reason it’s easier to start something new when you can start off by saying “We just moved here…”
PDoE, I’ll definitely look into the library thing. I am, shall we say, very fond of my books
Kaimi, If you find some Nazi’s let me know.
Tigersue, I hear you on friends just moving away and never being heard from again. I had some great friends that just disappeared on me. I wouldn’t even know how to find them. *sigh*
Mark IV (as an aside, is your name Mark 4 with a roman numeral, or Mark I.V. where I.V stands for something like Intra Veinous, or Ivan Vanguard, or Ice Vogons? Just curious. ) The dinner thing is a great idea. I have a question about how often to repeat invitations. We have had someone over for dinner, but they haven’t reciprocated. It doesn’t bother me, but I’m not sure if they would want to come over again, or how soon I should invite them. Any rules of thumb? Wait a month? Two months? Assume they hate me and never want to eat with us again?
Jen, oddly enough, I think I might be an extrovert based on your simple definition. I seek out crowds when I want to recharge even though I just sit and listen and don’t interact with the other people.
April 8th, 2006 01:52
Great then. You know that you need to be involved in groups. So maybe join whatever play group or reading group there is just to get your base of friends going. It will only be time consuming for the first little while forcing yourself to talk and ask questions and then after a few months you can sit back and enjoy your friends while THEY talk to eachother. Brilliant.