Body Snatchers
Do you ever feel like your body isn’t really yours? I’m just starting into my childbearing years and the biggest loss I feel is the sense of self-ownership. For more than a year and a half now my health hasn’t been just my health, but rather the health of my future or nursing child. Nothing I do is for my health. It’s for our health.
I haven’t had a good piece of chocolate cake for far too long because it passes through my milk and makes Nils wired. I feel guilt (what mother doesn’t) for not taking my multi-vitamins because it’s not just me I’m shortchanging, it’s my son too. For awhile Nils had a few of the symptoms of a dairy allergy so I went on a elimination diet for a few weeks. I completely denied myself many (all?) foods that I love dearly for someone else’s health. It makes no sense to say that what I eat could make someone else sick.
I know as I get older I will likely miss the “special nursing moments” but for now, at least, part of me feels that when he cries that special cry it’s not my loving care or soothing voice he wants, it’s my glands. My hardest struggles with motherhood so far have been feelings that my son doesn’t love me, he loves being fed, and rocked, things anyone could do for him. I also feel guilt (again with the guilt!) for begrudging him his needs. He needed a body, I have a safe place where he could grow one. He needs nourishment, I happen to have the tools to provide it.
I feel better about being body-snatched when I think about the Atonement. When Christ came to Earth his body was never really his. All of creation depended upon his willingness to sacrifice his body. Our salvation depended on his suffering in the garden of Gethsemane. He gave us his body and never begrudged our needs and inability to help ourselves. In this way he became quite literally our parent, doing for us what we could not do ourselves but so desperately needed. I only have a few people that will depend on my body, and their needs are temporary. Christ had infinite numbers of souls depending on him, and our needs may never cease.
In a small way I can understand some of the pressures Christ felt to fill the needs of others, but I feel better knowing that Christ understands the pressures I feel in a big way.
April 6th, 2006 14:49
Wow. I don’t have any nursing anymore, but there are still days when I feel so TAPPED, so used up, so like my allotment of resources for the day only went to other people. Thanks for the perspective, and the reminder that He does, in fact ‘get it.’ I needed that.
April 6th, 2006 14:52
Starfoxy:
This is close to the best, if not the best, post I’ve read on the bloggernacle. What a wonderful analogy and reality you’ve depicted. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
April 6th, 2006 17:26
Great post.
It reminded me how jealous I was that my wife got to feed our first child. Silly huh?
April 6th, 2006 19:22
Thoughtful post. I think that “body-snatching” is an issue that many women deal with. I have a friend who expressed similar sentiments to me once–she said she sometimes felt that she was disproportionately valued for her body over her other attributes. Her baby would crawl all over her breasts all day, hungry for milk and affection. Then her husband would come home and crawl all over her breasts, hungry, too, for affection. It started to be a big problem for her–she just dreamt of having her body back to herself for once.
April 6th, 2006 20:51
Maria, I’ve felt very similarly to your friend many times. Sometimes it helps me if I think of my body only as a tool and not as ‘me.’ Sometimes, however, thinking like that just makes the problems worse. It’s a touch and go thing. I wonder about menopause and if it will help or not.
Eric, it is both silly and not silly at the same time. I think your wife might agree. I wonder if much of the differences between how men and women view themselves and their relationships really do stem from the idea of body ownership. Lots of women just sort of assume that we don’t really have complete ownership, and it seems like men can’t understand not having complete ownership. So maybe your baby-feeding jealousy probably stems from your completely different worldview. You saw wanted the closeness and feelings of being needed without being able to realistically imagine the grating neediness and feelings of being used. Does that make sense?
Wade, I’m blushing!
Naiah I have to remind myself often just how much of my life Christ ‘gets.’ I’ve found that whenever I experience something that bothers me I can often find something that Christ went through that is a close emotional parallel. It’s (sometimes) a fun thing to do.
April 8th, 2006 00:09
“My hardest struggles with motherhood so far have been feelings that my son doesn’t love me, he loves being fed, and rocked, things anyone could do for him.”
Wait ’till he’s three and stops loving you for the ten minutes as he throws himself on the ground in Toysrus because you won’t buy him candy at the checkout station where you are purchasing toys carefully and thoughtfully and lovingly (and time consumingly) chosen for HIM.
April 9th, 2006 23:22
I’m always awestruck by women who pass through the whole proces of creating and delivering, literally, bodies for others.
God’s work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal (i.e. Godlike) life of us. Our calling is to help God do that, so we all busy ourselves with the three-fold mission of the church to help each other attain eternal life. But mothers have the special ability to help others attain immortality by creating the bodies which later will become immortal.
As for body ownership, my ex used to refer to hers as a “condo body,” which everybody used.
April 19th, 2006 08:42
After multiple failures at fertility treatments and miscarriages the two times I succeeded in getting pregnant I have to say be grateful for what you have! I would give my entire life, world and salvation to just once have the opportunity to feel as you all do. Remember that which you take for granted - even that which you are sick of is longed for by more than you realize!