Change
I came across a letter to an advice columnist last night. The main thrust of the letter was that a man had been hit on by a gay man while out to dinner with his wife, and felt that if his wife had been more ‘dolled up’ it wouldn’t have happened. Out of the many discussions this letter started I found this comment by a person with the handle ‘nellenelle’ to be very poignant.
“I’m puzzled by the urge to remake those we love. If you don’t love them for who they are, isn’t that more an issue for the one feeling this way than the one they desire to change? Shouldn’t change, if change is desired, be of oneself rather than an imposition on another?”
When you’re just dating someone it is (comparatively) easy to break off the relationship. If you find that the person isn’t what you thought, or the person changed drastically and you no longer enjoy their company you are able to simply say “we are no longer compatible” and leave the relationship. When the relationship is more permanent the implications of saying “we are no longer compatible” run much deeper.
I think of the quote (from President Kimball?) that, in speaking of persistence and practice, says “It isn’t that the nature of the task that has changed, but that our capacity to do it has increased.” Perhaps if we apply that to our relationships, “It isn’t that the nature of the person that has changed, but that our capacity to love them has increased.”
April 10th, 2006 10:45
Many interesting thoughts provoked by this. I’m not sure I dare share them…
Do we have some level of responsibility to ‘be our best’ for our spouse to a reasonable level? I feel bad even saying such a thing. I feel most do that. My wife certainly does and I am grateful. What do you do if your spouse (male or female works I believe) just lets themselves go downhill significantly? Should our love for them just be unconditional no matter what?
This is important to me I guess. I have a brother-in-law whose wife has become inactive, started drinking heavily, watching porn flicks, etc. He is considering pursuing a divorse. I never know what to say (it is not my sister btw). Must we have unconditional love for a spouse?
I hope you don’t think I’m awful for suggesting any of this.
April 10th, 2006 10:46
Nice post by the way. Hope my comment doesn’t take things off track.
April 10th, 2006 11:50
Eric, I’m sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. I never know what to say in those situations either. (As an aside I had a friend who had that happen to her and did get a divorce. I found out about it from her parents in the recieving line of my wedding reception. That was really weird.) The question to me is, “What is it about the person that I loved?” Was is the ethereal *them* or was it something else? Did the ethereal underlying person in your sister-in-law change? Maybe. Could she change back? Maybe. Should he wait and see? I don’t know. I’m glad I’m not his bishop.
I’m not sure where I want this discussion to go. I have a thought that I’m not quite sure how to articulate, but I’ll try anyways. Being human means changing. We are an object in motion. If we want to stay ’static’ we have to continuously change ourselves. If I want to look the same as I do for the rest of my life I’ll have to have an ever increasing regimen of exercise, makeup, hair-dying and facelifts. And if I want to have the same glossy eyed innocence of a 20 yr old for the rest of my life then I’ll have some serious work to.
If a man only loves his wife hair and beauty he’ll be upset when it’s gone and will blame her for changing on him. Did he love her? No, he loved her hair. If a man loves the ethereal *her* then her hair won’t make much a difference to him, even if it’s burned off permanently in a car wreck. If that same woman was hiding her personality behind her long hair and makeup and then let her true colors show after the wedding, then he couldn’t have loved her, because she hid who she was from him.
Does that make sense?
April 10th, 2006 13:19
Yes.
This makes me think again. Partly becasue I am a ‘hair guy’ Hehehe.
But after 17 years (in two weeks) I can honestly say I love my wife now more that when we first got married. Part of this is because she puts a reasonable amount of effort into our marriage and into herself. So do I. It sometimes drives me crazy how looooooooong it takes her to get ready sometimes. But I am always a little ‘proud’ that she is my wife. This is more becasue of who she is than what she looks like. There is still something to say about doing the best you can with what you got (within reason).
As for my wife’s bother I feel for him. They decided that she would be the bread winner and he would be the nuturing parent. Now he is in a position where he may not be able to provide for himself and daughters depending on a costudy thing - if it comes to that. I think the ‘change’ in his wife comes from peer pressure at work. She started going out with friends and trying to impress them….. oh boy.
Thanks for making me think.
April 10th, 2006 16:33
Starfoxy, this is a great post. I agree that life always brings change. And hopefully this post can help us to concentrate on dealing with change (in ourselves and in others) in a positive, rather than a negative way, especially as change may affect marital relationships.
Eric, I think you have a good point about spouses trying to be their best for each other. If we knew President Hinckley was coming to visit us, we would probably take care in our grooming and dress, and be on our best behavior, out of love and respect for the prophet of the Lord. Would it not enhance our relationship with our eternal companion if we showed similar love and respect for our spouses? Of course our bodies and personalities change over the years. But in my experience, if we continue to try to (as you put it) “[do] the best you can with what you got (within reason),” our spouse will see us through the lens of love, which blends the past and present to increased advantage.
As a child, a noticed that my mother always combed her hair and freshened her lipstick just before my father arrived home from work. She and my father always spoke and acted respectfully to one another, even in times of disagreement. Those ways of acting communicated to me that they were in love; and that it was just as important for them to look nice for each other, and behave well towards each other, as to look and act well for a public appearance.
When my mother was ninety, bedridden with Alzheimer’s, shrunken in frame, and wandering in mind, my father lovingly cared for her, dressing her tenderly in inexpensive, but attractive nightgowns, combing her sparse white hair and putting a touch of lipstick on her lips. To him she was still beautiful, forever his beloved queenly wife. And although she lost all short term memory, she was blessed to retain her recognition of her adored and adoring husband until her dying day.
Now in my sixties, as I look around at the older couples I know who have been happily married for over forty years, I notice that most of them have continued to take some thought for their appearance, and also work on improving their relationship, rather than taking it for granted. As my daughter (in her 30’s) observed, why wait until you are divorced, and seeking a new mate, to suddenly sharpen your looks to be attractive to the opposite sex? And why not care enough for your spouse (and your children) to try to overcome a quick temper, a sharp tongue, or a sullen disposition which may be new or longstanding barriers to familial unity.
None of us are perfect, but a sense of humor combined with a generous spirit generally seem to help happy couples to come to terms with irritating habits, increasing pounds and wrinkles, and personality changes due to coping with babies and toddlers, work-related stress, illness, or age. And a special added measure of joy seems to grace the lives of those who make the effort to put their best foot forward, whenever they can, for the person with whom they hope to spend all eternity.
April 10th, 2006 18:48
As for my wife’s bother I feel for him. They decided that she would be the bread winner and he would be the nuturing parent. Now he is in a position where he may not be able to provide for himself and daughters depending on a custudy thing - if it comes to that. I think the ‘change’ in his wife comes from peer pressure at work. She started going out with friends and trying to impress them….. oh boy
I’ve seen a lot of variants on that.
I’m sorry to hear of the problems.
Do we have some level of responsibility to ‘be our best’ for our spouse to a reasonable level?
I think so, I think that is much of what it is all about.
April 10th, 2006 18:56
Heber J. Grant: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1901, 63).
HTH
April 11th, 2006 02:19
Actually, President Grant was quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson.
http://en.thinkexist.com/default.asp?url=http%3A//en.thinkexist.com/quotation/that_which_we_persist_in_doing_becomes_easier_for/188658.html
April 11th, 2006 20:24
Thanks for finding that quote. I didn’t have the faintest idea how to go about looking for it. (I will admit that I didn’t feel like trying to find it either… ;p)
Thanks for all of the comments everyone. I was thinking about repsonsibilities to love despite change and to be lovable and remembered having a conversation with my husband shortly after we were married. I told him I loved him and he asked me why. I answered “Because I choose to.” Before I said it I was a little worried that it would bother him. He said he was glad because it made my love for him something I was in control of, not something I was a victim of. I choose to love my spouse, and part of my choice is to stay lovable to him.
April 11th, 2006 21:03
Very interesting topic, Starfoxy. I don’t have time to comment, but I enjoyed reading. And I like the “because I choose to”.
I also liked your examples, RoAnn. A husband is more than just a date with a cute guy, so you can trust him with more of yourself, but I also think we shouldn’t treat him as if he is less important than a date with a cute guy by never showing him our best selves.
April 13th, 2006 07:20
I’m grateful for a husband that realizes that right now it is hard for me to take care of myself the way I normally would. I used to get all dressed up for our dates, I would dress up to go to the temple, do my hair carefully, now it is just do what I have to do to be presentable, some of that is having two little babies, but some of it dealing with PPD.
On the other hand, this man, blaming his wife for the man hitting on him is a bit shallow, perhaps he needs to look at himself and ask “what was I doing to make this person to think that I wanted to be propositioned?” I happen to think it would have happened no matter what she was doing or what she looked like. It is easy to blame the other person for the fault in the marriage when most marriages the problems are both ways. It isn’t always as the examples given where there is a giving up of the lifestyle that brought them together. I hope this makes sense.