Should we contact old friends?
We all have friends we’ve lost touch with because of a move, a marriage, a falling out, etc. Once in a while I get the inclination to contact a friend whom I’ve lost touch with for sometime. I actually have two friends on my list to receive a potential surprise email or letter or phone call. They were good friends with whom I spent significant amounts of time and then we just lost touch in the middle of college. A factor in our split was my dedication to my religion and our differing values, which manifested themselves in our lifestyles at the time (picture conservative Mormon university verses liberal state party school). I guess I figure by this time we may have meandered onto a similar path and we’d actually have something to talk about. I wonder, however, if it is worth it to spend the energy on trying to find, contact, and converse with these old friends. Do they ever wonder about me? Will I always have some inclination to contact them? If I do contact them, then what? Do we continue keeping contact or even meet in person if in the neighborhood?
There are friends who make their way full circle back to make guest appearances in our lives, showing up unexpectedly at a party or as a random visitor at church. This has happened to me with girlfriends and, more awkwardly, “boyfriends.” When I showed up for the first Sunday back from my mission, one of my former crushes and his wife were sitting in the row behind me. This was not such a pleasant experience for me as I was third-world-worn, embarrassed about my gained weight, and I was borrowing my mom’s clothes (can you say shoulder pads?). I ran into another old boyfriend of mine after I was married and had a kid and felt somehow pleased to see him (or pleased to be seen by him since that night I looked good and so did my husband—insert evil laughter…). After hardly any contact for over a year, my old mission companion called me out of the blue and told me she wanted to visit me for two weeks and it was awesome. Then again, once while I was in town for the weekend, I called an old girlfriend from high school to meet for breakfast and it turned out to be disastrous.
There must be a natural inclination to want to follow up on the success (or decline) of our acquaintances. This is the basis for high school reunions. And classmates.com. Throw mission reunions in there. Just the other week my husband was contacted about creating a website for a band he was in ten years ago, which is kind of a virtual reunion for the members of the short-lived yet well liked college garage band. When we meet with people from the past, one of the first things we do is go down the checklist of all the people we have in common. As Mormons we are indulgently curious about our old Mormon friends and whether or not they are now active or not in the church. We want to know who is getting married. Who has moved. Who got a new job. Who is back in school. Who is half way famous where he lives. Who is a felon.
When is it appropriate and more importantly, worth the energy, to contact someone from the past? Will my curiosity always be hungry if it is never fed, or will it disappear with years as they pass? Or will newer old friends take the place of those of whom I’m thinking now?
April 14th, 2006 08:46
Like you, I have succumbed to the temptation several times, and yes, they’ve run the gamut from being some of the best decisions of my life to, well, a myriad assortment of flops and disasters. I suppose I do not do it as much as I once did, and yeah, the desire to do it has diminished over the years. There’s still the chance that, for whatever reason, it’s really the right thing to do (these two on your list now). You never know who might be suffering from a flagging testimony and would benefit from your example and input, y’know? I would pray and ponder and see what clarity comes from that.
April 14th, 2006 10:41
I’m a bit notorious for keeping contact with old friends. I get a big high off of it. People always email me to find everyone else. If I have an itch to find out how someone is doing, I’ll find out, get their address, their email, whatever. If nothing comes of it, nothing does, but it’s nice to know where those people are. Wouldn’t you like it if Kelly all of a sudden got off whatever high horse she’s on and sent you an email? Sure you probably wouldn’t immediately go out to lunch (being in Albania is such a deterent) but at least you would know she cared. I think sometimes those niggling feelings are the Spirit telling us to care.
April 14th, 2006 11:08
I vote yes. Do it. Don’t have huge expectations from it, though. Your hope would be that you won’t lose contact again. You want names and addresses!
(For my college roommates, I got the names and addresses of their parents, and eventually their spouses parents to make sure we’d never lose touch).
Maybe you’ll just send Christmas cards once a year, or an email every once it a while. Maybe all you will get from them will be occasional lame email forward jokes. (Yes, there are people whose only contact with me are FW:……can you believe it?) But it is nice to know where they are.
Maybe you can pick up the phone and call and things will click and you’ll be friends again. Maybe not. But, it is nice to hear what’s going on in their lives. It kind of feels like an unfinished story to not know what has happened to people.
(A casual ex-boyfriend emailed a few years ago soon after 9-11and he lives in NYC, just got married and he’s a lawyer). It was really nice to have that. I wish I had that for everyone else I knew in high school and will never, ever see or hear from again.)
April 14th, 2006 12:05
I vote for contacting them too. You never know who is feeling invisible to the world and who might appreciate knowing that someone remembers and cares about them even after all this time.
SereneQueen has a story on her blogsite about someone she’d tried to regain contact with. It didn’t work out right then but years later it helped the contactee have the courage to talk to her and share her burden when they were both struggling in a time of trial.
It might hurt, I do have to admit that. Not all reunions go well but there’s so much potential for good too. I say it’s worth it.
April 14th, 2006 15:11
Yes, old friendships never die, they just hibernate. I’m one of those roomates JKS has my parent’s address of. And thank goodness too. I have renewed some old friendships, and it has been very rewarding.
April 14th, 2006 15:52
I remember seeing a good friend shortly after I returned from my mission. She had written to me quite regularly (but she was definitely not my girlfriend) until one last letter where she told about having found the “right” guy, how the sun setting over Utah Lake seemed to be a sign that they were meant for each other, right after each returned from a mission, etc. etc. Then, nada mas.
Until I returned home and inadvertently ran into her and her baby (and, incidentally, an old flame from my freshman year at BYU) at the supermarket. I was happy to see her, but she just acted as if she wanted to get out of Dodge. By the way, the husband/father of her child was the guy she dated her freshman year, not the guy with whom she had the epiphany while watching the setting sun over Utah Lake.
And then, again nada mas for over 20 years, and I ran into her at the CES conference (for volunteer seminary teachers). I saw her at an early session, and thought I might see her again (and surely 20 years would have erased any embarrassment), but, alas, she must have vanished, and I didn’t see her again.
My dad had some old Army buddies, from World War II. One had grown up in New York City, and sometime in the early 60’s my mom convinced Dad to look him up (although he worried that they would in fact have nothing to talk about). He was saved from that embarrassment when he found three columns of Richard O’Connor’s in the New York telephone book.
April 14th, 2006 16:40
I’ve been waffling about contacting one of my ‘old’ friends too. Except it’s only been 2 years since we saw eachother. I’m nervous though because every time I’ve seen her after a long break she’s broken up with the guy she was dating the last time I saw her and gotten a new boyfriend. I always feel like an idiot when I ask “So how’s that guy?” and she answers “He’s the scum of the earth.” I almost want to wait longer so she’ll be married or something the next time I see her.
April 14th, 2006 18:26
Now in my 50s, I’ve sought and been sought over the years to renew old acquaintances — even went to 30th HS reunion, a first for me. Each time was breifly rewarding, but not sustained for much as we all had developed separate lives and didn’t make the extraordinary effort to create long-distance friendships between the people are now. I recommend looking up old friends: maybe you’ll be able to help or be helped with a current situation, maybe you’ll enliven a dormant friendship, but you definitely will end your indecision about whether to do it!
April 14th, 2006 19:43
I touch base with people as i find them again. Sometimes it goes no where, sometimes it is a delight.
My daughter Heather is dating a friend’s son — the two of us go back (on and off) thirty years and the son is a great kid. That worked out very well
April 14th, 2006 23:13
Hi Kristy! I’m glad you found this site. I was just thinking earlier today that I should call you and tell you to come hang out here.
High school reunions. I’m so jealous. I will never get to go to one. I didn’t go to any high school for more than a year and a half. I didn’t ever know enough people that I’m sure if I showed, I wouldn’t know a soul. I’d like to attend somebody’s reunion, though, maybe I can talk my husband into going to one of his someday. I guess I’d just live vicariously through movies like Gross Pointe Blank, lol. I guess its like your Senior Prom or graduation. Sounds really significant, but it is actually extremely boring.
April 17th, 2006 08:33
I vote that you should contact old friends. I agree that friendships don’t end, they just hibernate, or in more entomologically friendly terms they go into diapause. I love hearing from old buddies and friends. I am notorious for not keeping in contact with people. I hope people don’t forget about me during my negligent eras, because I never forget my friends (except that one girl, what was her name? That one who lives in Albania or something like that. I hope she doesn’t mind if I come visit her this weekend.)
April 17th, 2006 14:29
I have had more blessings in getting in contact with long lost friends. It is worth doing, and a hello, how are you? never hurt anyone.