Hyper-parenting
Good old Oprah. Always bringing up something you never knew existed. One day there was an Oprah show on what was refered to as “over-parenting” or “hyper-parenting”. The show began by introducing several moms who had a relatively rigorous schedule for their children each day and had signed them up for a plethora of activities all deemed to be enriching. The discussion stemmed on whether or not all these activities, and more importantly how these activities were presented, were affecting the children and their self esteem. For example, one lady had her eight year old daughter seriously pursuing violin, piano, ballet, martial arts, soccer, and harp. Her other kid was equally involved in five or six sports and music lessons requiring practice each day. She was very busy running the kids to and fro and also very involved in school work helping with projects and papers and science projects, pushing to get everything on time and looking tidy.
After presenting a couple of similar examples, Oprah brought on an expert on what they called “over-parenting” who suggested that involving kids in doing so many extra curricular activities and constantly controlling the schedule of the child can be harmful to the overall self esteem of the child. He claimed that the more parents do for their kids the less prepared those kids will be to successfully succeed at all the major stepping stones in life. He advocated playing a small role in assisting in projects and papers, claiming that kids will learn more so by making mistakes and reaping the consequences. Grown adults claiming to have hyper parents visited the show and explained how they felt they were negativly affected by their parent’s over involvement while growing up, stating that the real world was a surprising slap in the face.
A link to his book is below.
http://www.theparentreport.com/books/display_book.html?book_id=119
Initially I felt there were bigger problems for America to face than an over privileged youth kept busy by their over achieving parents. But for some reason this term over-parenting lingered in my head and I grew with curiosity. Is there really such thing as over-parenting? Can you harm a child by being too involved? Were our parents better off being left outside to play all day out of sight until supper? Or are we giving kids one more reason to blame personal shortcomings on their parents?
April 27th, 2006 07:46
My dad spent several years as a elementary school science fair judge (I have no idea how he came to have that responsibility). His favorite thing to share about this is you could *always* tell if the parent had done the project, or if the kid had done the project. He repeatedly told me (every year after science fair season) that he felt these parents weren’t helping their children, and were actually missing the point of the whole thing. The point wasn’t to have a nice experiment and presentation, the point was for the kid to learn how to do it. (He also said that he didn’t judge the projects by how fancy they were or how nice they looked, but by if the project showed that the kid learned something.)
I guess there is a line between showing how, helping, and doing it yourself, but often those three things look kind of similar. Doing it yourself is the sort of ‘too involved’ that can be hurtful.
April 27th, 2006 08:33
I read something once about how children, such as the ones you mentioned, with their many activities and such, even ones as young as preschoolers, were beginning to show signs of stress and anxiety, as manifested in health problems. The doctor writing was talking about seeing toddlers with ulcers and higher-than-normal blood pressure. I remember that there were a handful of other symptoms, but it was some time ago.
I relate it to the idea of ‘too much of a bad thing can be harmful,’ in that one wants their child to have all these positive things in their life, but too many of them and it ceases to be positive.
I, myself, believe in a pretty involved style of parenting (attachment parenting, as championed by Dr. William Sears), but it is definitely tempered with the recognition that my desire as a parent is to prepare them to function sans moi in the world–to understand their agency and to responsibly use it, and so when a problem or question arises, rather than just busting out with the answer or solution, I do a lot of “what do you think”-ing.
There is a desire to shelter and shield them from the world, and to give them some perfect existence, but I can only control so many variables for so long, and I recognize that.
Full-time motherhood, for as all-encompassing as it feels when it comes upon us, is a temporary state. They will be grown and out from under our wings in just 2 short decades.
As I said, though, it does *feel* all-encompassing, and so I do have sympathy for mothers who feel a need to sculpt their child’s reality (touches on another issue–sense of entitlement, but that’s for another post), even though it is not what I would do. All of us, in life, are given whatever hand we’re dealt by our parents in our childhood, and we all hit adulthood with our own hurdles to overcome and our own issues to nail down. Every kid is going to have something to overcome, and every kid will hopefully have the strength and presence of mind, or at least a good enough therapist to overcome it in time.
April 27th, 2006 11:54
A few years ago I read about a program at a college on the east coast that I thought my neighbor’s daughter might be interested in. When I mentioned the college also had a campus in New Mexico (we live in Utah) she said, “Oh, we could move there.” I don’t think she even realized what she said. BTW, her kids are both very well adjusted, high functioning adults despite a bit of over parenting. And they both ended up going to college in Utah.
April 27th, 2006 14:54
Great Post, Jen. I think this is definitely an issue worth addressing. I don’t think society should make this into another reason to blame parents for all the problems of children, but I think over-parenting can be harmful to both parents as well as to children.
Perhaps one of the reasons that over-parenting has become more of an issue in today’s world is that people have fewer children. No way you can physically carry out a lesson/sport schedule like the one in your post for many more than two children. Maybe part of the reason large families are recommended to us is that they can help us avoid over-parenting!
How does Heavenly Father parent? He provides us with opportunities, is available to help us out, will step in under certain circumstances, but won’t do our work for us, because we are here on earth to learn through experience.
April 27th, 2006 20:50
One thing I really appreciated about my parents is that I feel they let me figure things out myself. I was loved. I was taken care of. I had very clear expectations and rules. But my parents expected me to gradually learn to take care of myself. I did my own homework!
I think that you really need to gradually give your children more autonomy. You don’t let a toddler run into the street. But you don’t totally prevent your children from making their own mistakes because if you never let them make a mistake, you never let them take risks to succeed either.
I remember making my own Halloween costume in 5th grade. I was really, really proud of it. I was even sick on Halloween and didn’t get to wear it, but I still feel proud of myself for making it. Contrast that with my friend who says she never even got to choose what she was for Halloween. Her mother chose and made extremely elaborate costumes. She may have been the prettiest princess or witch, but was really all about her mother. Robbing your child of the choice of who to be for Halloween?
We rob our children of confidence if we assume they are incapable.
When my kids have a problem, I want to fix it. I want to tell them how to fix it. But it would be better that my role as they get older becomes more that I help them figure out their own plan to fix it.
My mother is wonderful to talk to. I can’t explain how much it means to me that she doesn’t try to tell me how to live my life. When I have a challenge, she listens, and encourages me by saying she knows that I am capable of figuring out what to do. If I make a decision I can tell that she trusts that I am doing what is right for me.
It is a wonderful mother who can let me live me life, who doesn’t try to live it for me.