Hands of Healing
I think to date this is one of the hardest posts for me to write. How do I explain who I am and how I function is this world? I live in Utah with my husband of nearly 18 years and our 4 children. For 13 of those years I worked as a RN on the graveyard shift sacrificing sleep so my children would have a parent home with them instead of going to day care. It was difficult and now with two little ones in the home I wonder “how did I do it?” I must have been crazy.
Nursing was not my first choice for a career, but it was the right one. I really wanted to be a music major and eventually play for a good orchestra. I loved how I felt when I had my horn in my hands and could feel the music in my soul. What I didn’t like was my ego. I let pride interfere with friendships and I saw the same ego in others. I started to hate the fight and the tears to try to be more than my best but also better than others. At the same time I saw my dad care for his dying father and part of me said if he could do this, so could I. When my parents and my brother left to have my grandfather buried in Canada I prayed, and I knew that nursing was what I should do with my life.
From that moment on, it was a scramble to get into school, and I have witnessed many miracles for the acceptance of my choice. I have also seen that I would have been taken care of if I had continued in my quest in my music goals. I went to college with a music scholarship. I had the opportunity to work with a band director that was really patient with my nursing classes and gave me many opportunities to play in the position he felt I deserved. It was a joy to play without pressure and to know that, no matter what, he respected my abilities as a clarinetist and a leader. I did not know that being a nurse would help me put a husband through school. I was able to see my skills bless the lives of others, and my mistakes and errors help me to grow. Nurses are people, and try as we might, mistakes are still made. The hardest thing was to accept that in myself.
I stopped working when the time was right, and I have never regretted working, but I don’t want to go back. I have never loved life as much as I have since then. I don’t think I’m cut out to work out of the home. I also learned that I didn’t need a music degree to enjoy playing my clarinet. I have had opportunities to play in church and with a community orchestra. If I ever get a chance to return to school and get another degree it would be in music therapy. I believe in the ability of music to heal ones soul, heart, and mind and possibly the body. I have learned, from listening to Michael Ballam, the magic that the power of music can bring. Perhaps my love of music and my desire to be a nurse have something in common after all. My hands used to heal through medicine and song.
I would be my brother’s keeper,
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother’s keeper-
Lord, I would follow thee.
hymn # 220 verse 3
In your path of life what choices have you made that took a turn that you had not anticipated and what was the effect of that decision?
May 12th, 2006 17:11
I can’t say it enough; welcome, Tanya!
May 13th, 2006 20:33
This is a little off topic, but I was confused. Do you play horn, or clarinet, or both?
This may sound cliché but my unexpected choice was of a romantic flavor. I had been dating a guy, and was planning to marry him (we even had set a date, but hadn’t told anyone yet). I am shocked to this day that I broke up with him. I’m so glad I did because he had an abusive streak that I didn’t recognize until after we broke up. I still really don’t know what made me do it. The unexpected turn was that I married his best friend (which made for some awkward conversations let me tell you).
Now for the on-topic part of this comment.
I know you may be thinking “yeah right, you broke up with him to marry his friend.” But it’s not true. I laughed at my roomate when she suggested that I ask my husband out. I said ” I can’t date him, he’s [ex-boyfriend]’s friend!”
It was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me.
May 13th, 2006 20:51
Starfoxy, I play the clarinet, the term horn is just a generic term that can be used for any wind instrument.
Thanks for the Welcome Naiah
May 13th, 2006 22:05
Welcome! It will be great to have a nurse in the house!
May 14th, 2006 00:01
Tanya your knowledge, skillz and devotion to nursing have always impressed me. The time I spent caring for my Grandfather in his last week gave me a glimpse of what it’s like to utilize a healer’s heart. The brief time Emma spent in the NICU gave us another peek into your work world.
Path turns for me you’re pretty familiar with, dear sister-in-love, like my conversion to the LDS Church and then how I came to be with my husband. Not going back to work after Duncan was born, moving to AZ for school, my husband’s decision to pursue Federal Employment would be another. Of these effects, they have been most positive.
Path turns that led me to put off college for two years–not so good.
May 14th, 2006 18:17
My wife’s a nurse. We just had a new guy in Elder’s Quorum today — he is a nursing student, and was surprised to learn we have a lot of nurses in the ward, including a CRNA and two starting the CRNA program this fall.
May 14th, 2006 20:45
Tanya, I asked because my husband plays the (french) horn. He’d argue to the moon and back that the term ‘horn’ can not be applied to any wind instrument, and can only correctly refer to the french horn. He is a purist in that regard. (He even gets after me when I insist on calling it a french horn. He thinks that ‘horn’ by itself should always mean the french horn, making the ‘french’ part of the name redundant.)
May 15th, 2006 02:22
Tanya, this was a beautiful story of how you felt compelled to train for your second choice of career, and have since seen the wisdom of that decision. I’m glad you were able to continue to develop your musical talent, and receive great satisfaction from performing as an amateur. I made a similar decision when I decided to abandon my goal of becoming an actor, and switched my major after one year to a foreign language. I loved acting, but decided that I would not be happy in the world of theater. That decision led to study in a foreign country, and then a full-time mission there. My life took a very different direction, and in looking back, I am very grateful that I followed the promptings that helped me give up a dream that did not really suit my personality, for a reality that brought me many blessings and opportunities that I could not have imagined at the time of my decision.
May 15th, 2006 08:52
Thank you Jen for the welcome.
Téa as always you are so sweet. Perhaps the one thing I do miss about work is holding those sweet little ones just sent from heaven.
Stephen, it is always amazing to see the people in the health care field. Where I live there have always been several nurses in our ward.
Starfoxy, who am I to argue with someone that plays the French Horn! I would say that there are other instruments with horn in the name, English Horn and the precursor of the Clarinet, the Basset Horn.
Thus the need to have the Word “French” to signify which horn it is. I love your husbands instrument, it is one of my favorites.
Thank you RoAnn for your comment, those turns in life always bring such unexpected blessing when followed by the spirit.
June 12th, 2006 02:21
I read your story and the comments from friends. You all might consider starting a Health Ministry in your church such as we do. Go to NursesArticles.com and click on the article about what Faith Community Nursing is. We are all different denominations but work through our own churches to keep our people healthly. It is a fun way for nurses to continue to heal. You could really use your music integrated with healing in this ministry. Check it out and let me know what you think. Susan