Spacing
I have a baby. I think he’s cute, but that is beside the point. He’s 10 months old. Though we haven’t started hearing the question yet, I know we will soon. You know the question I mean. “So when are you gonna have another one?” While there are all sorts of things we could discuss about this question, (How rude it is, how personal, and how potentially hurtful) I want to discuss what the answer is. Assuming one has a fair amount of control over the situation what is the ideal age difference between siblings?
I asked my mom and she says that the perfect spacing is 26 months. “That way they’re close enough to be friends, but far enough apart that you aren’t baby crazy.” So what is your answer, fair readers? What are all the pros and cons of the different child spacings? How close is too close, how far is too far? What did you notice about growing up with siblings of varied ages? What have you noticed in raising your own kids? What is hard or nice for the parents, and what is tough or great for the kids?
May 17th, 2006 11:20
I have to say I really enjoyed my first two being 3 1/2 years apart in age. No that was not my plan but it was nice. My Daughter was able to help me out so much in cute ways. She was able to entertain herself so I could clean or take showers. Working graveyards I was able to rest somewhat during the day.
On the other hand I’m finding it a challenge to have these last two babies 17 months apart. Kendra still needs lots of attention and she isn’t really at the entertain herself stage yet, so doing things for myself can be out of the questions.
I don’t know how others do it with them even closer together.
Things to consider:
How do you feel when expecting?
How much weight can you carry?
Do you have a history of problems when pregnant?
What is your age?
That last one may seem strange, but I never expected I would be a new mother in my late 30’s. We thought we were done. Having teenagers is nice but it also complicates things more.
The only other thing I would say is that if I could plan it I would have all my babies in the spring. I get depressed when I have them in the winter. It also gives the chance for the baby to grow before the cold and flu season hits.
May 17th, 2006 11:28
Our children are 21 months apart and they are great friends and we couldn’t be happier with the spacing.
On a darker note, we were unable to have more, and were often asked that question…your right hurtful.
May 17th, 2006 11:39
My kids are 24 months apart and then 4 year 3 months apart.
-Pros & Cons of 24 month spacing of the first two:
1. I felt like I had just been there done that for pregnancy, nursing, etc.
2. It was hard with two little ones who were so needy. A two year old and a baby were really, really hard for me.
3. They are 8 and 6 and they play together SO WELL. They are great friends.
4. They are at the same level for activities. I can take them both places that they both enjoy. Swimming, park, library, arcade, Disneyland, beach, etc. Same stage means easy outings.
-Pros and Cons of 4 year gap for kids #2 &3
1. The four year old and six year old took care of themselves, I could take care of baby.
2. 6 year old was a huge help, both the older kids enjoy taking care of their little sister
3. They don’t “play” together because they don’t play the same things.
4. It’s hard to do things with her because she’s at a completely different stage. (Yeah, if I’d had 4 kids 2 years apart each, I’d have an older two and younger 2, but as the older two got older, my youngest would have someone close in age and stage to play and have outings with. When the older ones are teenagers, will I take her to the park or the beach by herself?)
May 17th, 2006 12:40
My two are 4 1/2 years apart. The older is a girl, and the younger a boy. They actually play together very intensely every morning, but the afternoon and evening they tend not to.
My brothers and I were all about 3 years apart. I was the oldest. My brothers were always very close, and treated almost like twins for much of their life. I didn’t play with them so much, but they did.
Is this any help at all? Prolly not, but that’s my experience. I didn’t have much choice on the spacing with K & B, as I lost several babies after Katy, and then B was not born until I was remarried. I have to say, though, that even with such a big gap, they still love each other bunches, and play quite well for at least a few hours every day. Katy is old enough to help out when Bobbie is being ‘excessively two,’ and needs a little extra attention or guidance from me.
If you can plan them, great (optimization is always a fine thing!), but if the plans don’t work out, y’know, it kind of takes care of itself. Our families are what they are, and we all make do with what we’re dealt, and it has a great way of just becoming our norm.
May 17th, 2006 12:46
I’m reading comments for insight too, although its too late for me. I have 5, 2 and a bun in the oven. I’m not looking forward to potty training with an infant in arm most of the time. I remember SPRINTING to the bathroom while in Costco with my potty training three year old with my baby in a sling. I remember LOTS of body fluids. infant in diapers, potty training toddler, breast feeding mom… Anyway, I know ladies who wait four years because of the potty training thing-”only one in diapers” thing. But then by the time you have your third the first and the third are so far apart that they are practically strangers.
May 17th, 2006 13:12
Our plan was not what happened, but we had three children very close together. It was insane having THREE in diapers (yes, that’s right — three!); I completely put off potty training because I simply couldn’t handle it (and I happen to like minimizing the bodily fluids thing — it actually worked out well because they were more ready and able when it finally happened). It was very hard to be nursing and pregnant twice. It was hard having three irrational creatures to deal with all at once. But, I will tell you that it only took a couple of years, really, for that spacing to completely and totally pay off! For one thing, we haven’t been able to have any more, so I feel it was completely a blessing to get ours when we did. And it makes my life a million times easier now because they are such good friends, are similar enough in stages that they can be given similar activities. I look forward to them being close in ages and stages for the rest of their lives. Sure, there will be rivalries and such that pop up, but overall, I feel like it was an intense but short investment time for some awesome returns.
I think it’s important mostly to feel this question out spiritually. Like I said, I would neer have planned things this way. My personality is nowhere near the kind of personality you would expect to be able to deal with what I did! We would never have “studied it out in our minds” and come up with what ended up happening. But it was clearly God’s plan for our family (for example, hubby felt we should have a second the day #1 was born — lucky for him he didn’t VOICE that feeling to me for a few months!). #3 is our tender mercy baby because she came just in time before some health issues hit which have been the reason we have not had more. I have heard people even talk about how when a child is born determines friends, etc. that will affect their future. I don’t say this to add more STRESS but simply to say that heaven knows best! That said, I also hold onto hope that the Lord’s mercy applies to such decisions as this…that we do our best and seek for inspiration and then try not to kill ourselves over whether we are doing “THE” right thing. Sometimes these decisions are processes, not events. Feel it out. See if there is a spiritual nagging there. The Lord can help you figure this out!
(I have to say that I look at young moms and don’t envy them the process of this decision…it’s not easy, especially when, as it is for me, the whole pregnancy and newborn thing can be hard! Hold on to the fact that this young children stage really DOES go fast! I can’t believe I can talk about it as something in my PAST! And you know what? I find myself sad that it is…so try to enjoy it, too, if you can!) OK, I’m rambling now….
May 17th, 2006 13:47
Mine are far apart (3y3m between 1 and 2 and the same between 2 and 3). I don’t think any spacing is a matter of ‘better’, just a matter of different. There are advantages and disadvantages of whatever you choose, some you can anticipate and some you can’t.
May 17th, 2006 14:57
My boys are are about 3.5 years apart and its great. I was planning for two years apart, but it took me sometime to get pregnant. I love the space because I like being able to enjoy each child in their own stage rather than feeling like I am just surviving each stage.
May 17th, 2006 16:23
I love the space because I like being able to enjoy each child in their own stage rather than feeling like I am just surviving each stage.
That has certainly been one disadvantage of my situation! It wasn’t until my third that I was really able to enjoy her more along the way.
May 17th, 2006 16:32
Jen (#5) raises a good point about potty training. Has anyone done it both with and without a small baby? Any insights? Does it make a difference if the potty-trainee is a boy or a girl?
There is so much to consider that I’m afraid I’ll miss something that would have been important to me had I thought about it earlier. Thank you all for your comments, and keep them coming!
May 17th, 2006 19:34
Mine are 19 months apart and I do love it. The youngest is now 5, so the smallest gap we’ll have between him and the next one will be at least 6 years.
I don’t feel like I missed out on anything with my second son even though they are close in age. Their personalities are so very different and I think nursing both exclusively for 13 months made a huge difference in how much time I felt I was able to spend with them.
I didn’t plan to have them so close together (nor to have such a large gap), but I wouldn’t change it now. They are wonderful friends and I’m glad that the second one came sooner than we planned because now I am really surprisingly free since we haven’t had any more.
I guess in the end, I feel like the babies come or don’t come to our family according to the Lord’s plan, and not particularly to ours. Many couples seem to have more control over this, but I’ve quit worrying about it. There are good and bad things about every type of spacing.
May 17th, 2006 21:23
Potty training my 2 years 9 month old girl was a peice of cake when my baby was 9 months. I didn’t mind having 2 in diapers. There are other things I didn’t like about that stage of my life. But once they were 3 and 5 it was wonderful to have them 2 years apart.
May 18th, 2006 15:53
My first two were 17 months apart, which was hard. Most of the spaces between my others are 2-3 years apart, which I like. They can still play together and attend school together a bit. We do have a bigger space of 4 years between two,(due to a miscarriage) and that is a little bigger space than I wanted. I think 2-3 years is just right. My opinion of course.
May 19th, 2006 00:01
I delivered Baby #1, was pregnant on his first birthday. After hospital stays with pre-term labor, Baby #2 made her way when he was 21 months. Pregnant with Baby #3, pre-term labor, major complications, several hospitalizations, air ambulance, neurological damage, held out to deliver at almost 36 weeks. Baby #3 had a big brother 3.25 years, big sister 19 months. We thought it would be time to take a break for a while to give my body a chance to heal.
(Cue the the best laid plans quote)
Baby #3 was nine months old when found out we were pregnant with Baby #4. It was the easiest pregnancy, despite all of my fears. Baby #4 came to a big brother 4.75 years, big sister 3years, big sister 17 months.
Baby #5 is the only one where I wasn’t pregnant on the previous baby’s first birthday. Baby#5 joined big brother almost 8, big sister 6, big sister 4, big sister 3 and everyone loves him!!!
You add in a couple of miscarriages, that affects the spacing. It certainly didn’t go according to our plan, but we’re confident in the timing of the Lord.
They play well, they love dearly, and the younger girls share a bedroom. Our 8 year-old is already asking when his baby brother can come share his room =)
I have one sister, she’s about three years younger but we ended up being four grades apart. pros & cons–she never had a teacher that gave her a hard time because she was my sister & we only attended the same school for one year.
I love my sister!
Naiah’s right, after someone new joins the family it’s hard to picture it any other way. No matter when that someone comes.
May 19th, 2006 00:07
{We’ll have to compare notes sometime, StarFoxy, we get the “so, are you done?” all the time now, so it’s tempting to use various retorts: snarky, blissfullyfaithful, metaphorical, Miss Manners on crack…}