A Peculiar Peace
This time last year I was working full time, and made the majority of our (my husband’s and my) income. I was a full time student, graduating with a BS in Astronomy. I had a calling, and friends, and great neighbors. I was also seven months pregnant. I felt important, smart, and absoloutely fantastic.
Three months later, after graduating, quitting my job, moving to a new city for my husband’s new job, and giving birth, I felt horrible. I had a one month old baby, that I didn’t really like (you see he was an ungrateful little thing that was impossible to please and never smiled. I thought babies were supposed to smile). I didn’t know my neighbors, and didn’t really want to (they were riotous college kids). We were one of about 15 couples that moved into our new ward at the same time. I was only itentifiable at church by the baby that I didn’t like much. My husband made more money in his first two months of work than I would have made in a whole year. My life felt pointless, and I was miserable.
Throughout my life, I had always been an unbearable know it all. I was smart, and I knew it too. (The tricky thing was I had the grades, test scores, and answers to back up my belief.) I was very quick to shoot down *anything* that indicated that being a female made me less able, less smart, less capable, or weaker in any way. Because of this many things about the church, the temple, and the world in general had bothered me. For the most part I had been able to brush it all off, with my firm belief that I was important, and Heavenly Father loved me. However, in the throes of the downward spiral I described above these little nagging things became of paramount importance.
I had deep fears that Heavenly Father really didn’t love me, and that women would eternally be second class. I grappled with the possibility that the Celestial Kingdom was just plain not a place that I could ever be happy. I imagined an eternity of babies that didn’t smile at me, and doing laundry and making meals; all while my husband, doubtlessly would be off with the guys creating worlds (an idea that made the study of astronomy appealing to me). The most troubling thing was that I was afraid to pray about it, for fear that I might be right. I refused to speak with the Bishop or the Temple president for fear that these fallible men might tell me something true (that I might not believe) or tell me something false (that I might believe).
Finally it all came to a head, and I had had enough. I gave up. I put my baby down for a nap, and went into the laundry room to pray (it was the only small room with a door, a light, and an AC vent). I was prepared to be there for hours if needed. I prayed to know what my eternal role was. I knew and understood my earthly, temporal role, but I needed to know what I was meant to be for eternity. I even said that I would accept a secondary role as long I could know the truth. I would take it if that was what He wanted to give me.
When I was done, I felt… nothing. I didn’t feel the overwhelming torrent of knowledge that I had hoped for. I didn’t feel the warm glowing peace that could make me smile. At the same time, I didn’t feel the paralyzing fear that had dominated my mind for the past few weeks. I didn’t have the torrent of troubling thought flowing through my mind. I quite literally felt nothing, and it was a good feeling.
About a week or so later my answer came, and it started with something that I did have a testimony of, combined with a simple phrase. I know that I am just as capable as any man. I knew that, and no-one could ever convince me otherwise. The phrase was this “That they may fill the measure of their creation and have joy therein.”
Because I knew that men had no mental or spiritual skills that I did not have, I was able to know that the measure of my creation, is the same as the measure of a man’s creation. Furthermore, by filling the measure of my creation, I will undoubtedly find joy. It would be a cruel god indeed that would give me the desire, and ability to do more than what he would allow me to do. In other words, God would not make me so that I would be unhappy doing what I was created to do.
So how does this apply to all the things that had bothered me? I was able to write them off as tokens of a fallen world. So much of it really is unfair, but God knows it’s unfair and just might have a really good reason for allowing it to be that way. So that is how I’m able to have steady faith in a gospel and organization that does so many things that I think are unjust. That is also why I just don’t get as riled up as I used to about some of those things. Because I know that the eternities will be pleasant for me and all women, I’m much less concerned with forcing* the kingdom on earth to live up to a Celestial standard of fairness. (* “forcing” in this sense could be either trying to change the organization to be fair, or changing my view of it so I can see how it is already fair.)
When I shared these thoughts with my husband he said “that’s a pretty bleak view.” Maybe it is bleak, but it gives me peace.
May 22nd, 2006 15:33
Filling the measure of our creation is a purely individual pursuit. Isn’t that a fascinating, liberating idea? Our gender *is* an essential part of our identity, but it is not the identifier. Each of us has a unique combination of capabilities, tendencies, and tastes that all together form who we are, making us each our own individual, and it is from that individual point that each of us finds our niche in this world and the life to come.
The measure of your creation is yours and yours alone, and you alone are the one suited to find your joy therein.
May 22nd, 2006 15:37
It doesn’t seem like a bleak outlook to me. It seems simple and quiet and that’s the kind of outlook I like best.
May 22nd, 2006 23:16
First of all, Starfoxy, I have to say I’m disappointed with parts of your post. I had hoped this was a blog that treated the gospel and the church a little more positively. Some of us LDS women don’t have a lot of angst about church organization. Is there anywhere on the internet for people like me ?
Secondly, I had post-partum depression, which could be what you experienced. It is also difficult to go through so many life changing (and isolating) changes at once. And while small babies are a little boring, they represent only a small portion of life as a mother.
In many careers the first couple years a filled with working at the bottom of the ladder. As you get more experience, you get better at things, and you get bigger, more interesting work.
I am sorry you have experienced depression since you have had your child. Mine usually lasted up to a year. Depression often makes you feel unworthy, or unloved. It makes it difficult to feel the spirit. So divine help, or answers to prayers given through the spirit are a little harder to get than in a more normal state of mind.
After my first child, I did read the Adam and Eve story a little more carefully. Adam is told he’s going to have to work for his food, Eve is told she’s going to bring forth children in sorrow. So, yes, post-partum depression is a part of our fallen state. So is death, illness, accident, disability, pain, and sin.
I am not sure about what unfairness you are so concerned with. Life sucks. Yeah. Some people don’t have enough to eat, some kids don’t have fathers and mothers, some people get stretch marks and scar tissue after giving birth.
I love being a woman. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I don’t think that what my husband does all day is better than what I do all day.
Motherhood is certainly an adjustment. Some things come easy, some things don’t. But it is a work that is worth it. Sometimes you have to wait a little before you can feel it.
May 23rd, 2006 00:54
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Starfoxy; I enjoyed them. I really like your point about filling the measure of your creation. I’ve found comfort in that idea, too, that God wouldn’t have created me with a wide range of capabilities and then eternally stick me in a situation where I’d never have the chance to use them.
May 23rd, 2006 05:32
I thought that was a beautifully writen post in how you found an answer to something that was bothering you. How you found your Divine Nature and Individual worth. Yes I would say you had some PPD, but I think many women struggle with identity when they stop working. You have a brilliant mind there are so many ways to use it. I always like to think, and I have been taught, that I was right there with Adam creating the world. I have never been under the impression that creation was a Man’s only club, all of God’s children were involved. Being a mother is much more than bearing children, it is teaching them also to use their minds to their full capability, helping them to learn to recognize the spirit. I happen to love newborns, that is why I worked with them for so many years. They were my comfort when I faced infertility issues. There is nothing like holding that precious soul just from Heaven.
In the end Peace and comfort is what we want, I don’t think that is bleak at all.
May 23rd, 2006 06:39
I really enjoyed your thoughts Starfoxy. I think there can be many times in a womans life when she will wonder if she if filling the measure of her creation. Time passes, things change and she wonders. I’ve been a mother for 19 years, and yet lately with the birth of a new little one I have wondered what I was doing with my life, because with the birth of the new one I have 18 more years with a child at home. Thats a lot of total at home mothering year. And so I think, how am I filling the measure of my creation? What does God want for me? Thanks for your thoughts.
May 23rd, 2006 08:18
JKS:
I would ask you to read Starfoxy’s piece again. I do believe that this is about how she, when struggling with that angst that so many sisters face, came to a place of peace, a resolution of that angst. Kindly remember that we are all at different places in our eternal progression, and so long as we choose to turn our faces to the Lord and progress toward Him, there is space for all of us here, wherever on the path we may be. Yes, that includes you. It is the direction and flow of our progress that is our commonality. I celebrate my place as a Latter-day Saint woman, as do you, as does Starfoxy in her own and growing way.
May 23rd, 2006 08:26
JKS (#3) I’m sorry you feel that this post treats the church negatively. As I understand, (and Naiah can correct me if I’m wrong) this blog *is* intended 1) to be faith promoting, and 2) to be feminist-themed. We want to explore ways in which a woman can be faithful and accepting of the church as it is, and still be decidedly feminist. We believe that men and women are of equal worth before the Lord, and each of us has gotten to that belief in their own way. This was my way.
This post isn’t describing a crisis of faith in God or the Church. In fact my faith in the church never wavered. During this time period I attended all of my meetings, read the scriptures and prayed every day, and attended the Temple once a month. It was a crisis of faith about my worth as a daughter of God, and the value of the work I have been asked to do.
The main point is, there were then, and are now many things about the church that make my feminist bells ring, and make me want to call “foul!” However, because I have faith in the restored gospel, and a fervent testimony of the atonement and love of Jesus Christ I know that whatever it is that makes me want to call foul (be it a failing of church, a failing of my understanding, or simply making the best of the problems of a fallen world) will be fixed. More specifically, I have faith that it is okay for it to be unfair for now. I can just let it slide off my back because of the trial and understanding that I described above.
If you don’t see things in the church as unfair to women, then you don’t need me to convince you that they are. It is a very real possibility that my opinions are tainted by the world and whatever injustice I see is because of my own misunderstanding.
As an aside, I thought I should mention that my baby did eventually smile at me (it took him nearly 4 months!) and I started liking him. Now we’re hopelessly in love.
May 23rd, 2006 08:26
The ‘lag time’ inherent in getting accustomed to any major life change (several of which you faced at once) can feel much like depression. Exhaution, sluggishness, down or distraught feelings. We never realize how dependant we are on our ‘autopilot’ until it no longer runs, until we find ourselves in such a situation where things are not so familiar that we must consider many if not every detail of our day. It can be mentally exhausting. It’s like looking at art all day in a museum. As delightful as the art (or the life change) can be, by the end of the day, the constant assessing of nuance leaves the mind quite passively exhausted. Where was the effot? Where was the strain? It was never evident in the moment, and yet its effects are felt after. Change takes mental consideration, all day long, as the day is different. Good-different or bad-different, it matters not; it’s just different, and different takes a huge amount of passive mental effort.
With a new baby, there is a near-constant level of different. They are not static creatures, and this accounts for much of the exhausted and overwhelmed feelings that new moms experience.
Hang in there, mamma. You know it, but it doesn’t hurt to say it: there is joy in this life for you. As I said, you, of all people, are the one suited to fill the measure of your creation and find your joy in it.
May 23rd, 2006 12:13
To clarify one point, I created APoF to indeed be a place where issues facing sisters of the church could be discussed from a place of firm faith, though I would not term it “feminist-themed.” I, myself, am not content to call myself a feminist, as I have yet to find a paradigm of feminism with which I am comfortable as a woman of faith.
There are many sisters who, when they learn of various criticisms of the church common to feminist thinkers are deeply shaken, and it is important to be aware of these doubts that tear at our sisters, and to look at and for ways to help them resolve the conflicts.
What Starfoxy has written here is, definitely, in keeping with my hopes and intentions on this scrore. In this piece she has shared how she has found, and is finding her way through the angst and suffering that she has felt as a result of the perceived conflict between feminist ideas and LDS womanhood.
Out of respect to the deeply personal nature of the feelings that she has shared in this piece, I would ask that the comments be contained to the subject of her post. There will be other threads for the broader themes of feminism and the like.
May 23rd, 2006 12:33
I love the message this post gives: That when we struggle, if we turn to God, He can grant us peace and give us insights. I just realized I didn’t do enough of that after my first was born…that transition was hard for me.
For what it is worth, I personally found the second baby a lot easier because I knew it would be hard and exhausting at first, but I also knew how quickly she would grow up. I was able to enjoy the journey a little more. The first time around, I was so overwhelmed and it was all so new and I was so, so exhausted.
May 23rd, 2006 12:37
Is there anywhere on the internet for people like me ?
JKS, I sincerely hope you will feel A Prayer of Faith is a place for you. It truly is a place where we want to celebrate our place as women in the kingdom. Some of that will include working through some of the concerns some women have…but always with that goal of finding answers through faith, as Starfoxy shared with us here. I just hope you stick around because we want people like you to rejoice in faith with us!!
May 23rd, 2006 15:58
I am so glad to come back and read what everyone wrote. I was hoping I hadn’t started some big fight or something!
I am hoping that this blog stays gospel oriented from women’s perspective. There is much to celebrate about being a woman and about living the gospel.
May 24th, 2006 03:44
Starfoxy, I appreciated these personal thoughts. Reading your post reminded me of similar stories I’ve heard from other women- similar in their content, varied somewhat in their resolution (perhaps some of the above comments reference this variance). What I love about it is that each woman who went to God -for peace, for understanding, for clarity- received an answer that worked for her, and the answers were custom. I’ve heard them share various conclusions that all managed to fall under the umbrella of correct doctrine while being individually tailored. If that makes sense. . . anyway, your post was a welcome reminder to me of the personal involvement of a God that I tend to think of too abstractly, too often. There’s a quote, which translates somewhat to “What interests me is not the happiness of all men; it’s the happiness of each man” (Vian, L’Ecume des jours, Pauvert). Vian thought the two were mutually exclusive; apparently, part of what it means to be God is to be able to reconcile the two interests. Anyway, thanks again for the post.
May 27th, 2006 13:23
I know exactly what you mean about being afraid to ask, Starfoxy–many things for me, temporal and eternal.
Peculiar peace, indeed. Sometimes we don’t know how blessed silence is until we’ve experienced the torrents of troubling thoughts and fear.
Sounds like I need to spend some time in my laudry room =)
May 28th, 2006 04:13
I can relate to your post completely. I have encountered a very similar experience. In fact several times. I have what I call relapses when I grapple extensively with issues of this nature, then study, ponder, and pray, until coming to my own “peculiar peace” that fuels me and makes me stronger.
June 1st, 2006 05:17
Twelve years ago I could have written the exact same words you did. I was educated, had decided to give up grad school and most of my life’s dreams to have a baby, moved… everything. I had been questioning God’s love for his daughters and all the same things you mention. It’s amazing where God’s plan for me has brought me. He asked me to teach seminary when my faith was failing and through an intense study of the New Testament and Christ’s life I realized that the way the world treated His daughters was NOT His plan. My faith came back over the period of a year and continues to build.
Joy in my role as Mother took much longer. Trying to be happy when I had given up everything for a grumpy unpleasable child (my first didn’t smile for four months) while being unbearably exhausted all the time just wasn’t working. I perked up once I got more than two hours of sleep at a stretch. It got really bad after baby #2. I hated everything about my life. Everything. It took finding a new dream/creative-outlet and working through my feelings about motherhood to turn things around. It finally boiled down to realizing that the message I had absorbed from my “feminist education” was that women who stayed home were doing so because they were too oppressed or dumb to do anything else. I had to work hard to come to believe that raising children was the most important thing I could do… still have to remind myself. the first piece of art I made was a turning point.. new passion, new ideas about motherhood. If you’d like to read more about my journey you can see it here - http://www.lyrickinard.com/motherhood.html
Anyway… the point is that 12 years down the road my love for God and for His church is firm and growing… as is my knowledge that even if the world doesn’t see motherhood as important and worth rewarding.. He does. It’s amazing too the peace I’ve had with baby #5, knowing that even though this particular phase isn’t so much fun it definately gets better!!!
God loves you. You’ll make it through this. It is difficult, and will turn your brain to oatmeal for a while but maybe that just lets your heart soften. It’s worth it!