The Joyful Surprise of Motherhood
Taken from The Joyful Surprise of Motherhood by Jean Knight Pace, Ensign, January 2006
This article poses myths that are common among couples and singles about having children. After the disclaimer of not everyone will have children in this life, she begins admitting herself that she was “shocked to discover that motherhood was the most satisfying and fulfilling thing” she had ever done. Coming from the perspective of one who was “subject to school goals, career dreams, plans, and other people’s demands and expectations” for what life should be, she list several common beliefs or myths about having children that, in her opinion, are not akin to reality.
These are the myths she presents:
Before you have children, you need to do everything else in life that is important to you because you’ll never be able to do that again.
When you have children, you won’t be able to progress intellectually.
You will lose yourself to your children.
Having children will stunt your relationship with your spouse.
These are the truths that follow:
Even with a child, a mother can make time for herself and some goals outside of her children.
As a mother, you will read, learn to build things, and learn more about nutrition and health, budgeting, taxes, cooking, and running a home. You will learn to teach.
You will lose yourself to love. She admits, “I did not resist falling in love, but I did mentally resisted parenthood.” After having her son, she realized she was on to “bigger and better things.”
Parenthood adds another dimension to your relationship with your spouse. It provides a common goal. The strength children provide makes it easier and more fun for a marriage to endure.
She closes by quoting 1 Corinthians 13:8, “But whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away” thus summarizing that jobs and formal education will be forgotten and our church callings will come to and end. Our families are forever, however, and the Christlike love we have gained by being parents will stay with us forever.
June 1st, 2006 07:38
Very nice perspective. Thanks.
June 1st, 2006 09:04
I have seen sisters who, to some degree or another, do lose themselves to their children. When time comes that they are no longer young and playing “’round her skirts,” these sisters don’t seem to know what to do with themselves. I’ve seen a couple hit a real crisis of identity as college and missions begin to take their children beyond the nest. It’s really traumatic for them.
So, I can see where that myth has its roots. It simply is not an absolute, though. I love my children and I serve them with joy, giving them the best, sweetest, healthiest, most balanced life I can give them–all in preparation for the day that they stand at the edge of the nest ready to fly.
As far as intellectually, as I have learned and am in the process of teaching to my daughter (7 year old), in life there is not always a professor to guide you in the acqisition of a given body of knowledge that you desire. It is up to mothers who choose to be intellectually active to be independent learners. Granted, most of us grew up with formal teacher-driven schooling. We can break out of that and let our own curiosity guide us. This life is about learning and integrating that knowledge. Having children may prevent me from diving in to the exclusion of all else (as I am wont to do when I have the time), but it does not preclude intellectual development. If anything, less time for ‘binge reading’ allows me more time to ponder and soak in each chapter or senction that I read as I go about my day.
Also I don’t know about doing everything that’s important to you in life before you have kids, but there are some young footloose and fancy free kinds of things that I’d recommend doing before you have children. I’m thinking mostly road trips and travel-type things, as travelling with children is a whole other ballgame.
As far as stunting spousal reationships, I suppose maybe for those same sisters who lose their identity to their role of children’s caretaker, this might be a problem. How can your husband have a relationship with you if you’re not yourself anymore? For myself and my husband (and most people, I believe), though, it’s nothing like that. We love each other; we each love our children. Getting to both partake in that love (of the kids) is a deeply profound experience. They are such amazing little beings, and each of us loves them, and that shared, common love enriches the existing bond of love between us.
As for the truths, their brief statements don’t begin to cover it. As a mother you can learn so much more than household things. Also, learning to teach is intense–so much more than just one word can convey.
Motherhood is more complex, more demanding, more rewarding, fulfilling, and beautiful than I had ever anticipated. Every sister’s experience is unique, and every sister’s experience of it would take volumes to even sum up. To take it in at a glace would be overwhelming. I’m reminded of Jodi Foster in “Contact” when she’s gone through the machine and is face to face with “some cosmic event” and it is so beautiful that all she can say is “No words, no words; they should have sent a poet.”
Yeah, it’s like that.
June 1st, 2006 23:18
It’s interesting to me that the myths and truths parallel each other–diverging paths from a common ground of parenthood. Like Michelle’s post about how differently we react to trials, how they can humble us or stiffen our necks, so goes parenting. It takes determined work and conscious effort to choose the attainable truths she describes in the article.
Speaking of Jodi Foster, I was watching Celebrity Jeopardy a few years back and she said that being a mother was the “most intensely creative thing” she had ever done. This from a woman whose career as an actor, director and producer is in its fourth decade–wow =)
June 2nd, 2006 00:06
Like Tea, I think these “myths” can happen. But I personally have intentionally done things to help prevent them from happening.
I learned a lot from my mother: both from her example and the discussions we had about motherhood while I was growing up. I think she taught me that those myths only happen if you let them.
June 2nd, 2006 08:01
I can’t believe I wrote a great post yesterday and it is not there today, darn!
What I wanted to express is that it is very easy for women to loose themselves in their various roles if they don’t have a grip on who they are. It doesn’t matter if it is being a mother, a career woman, or working at callings. We have to continue to do things for ourselves, that challenge our minds and hearts.
I could say the one thing I don’t like about the RS declaration is that Motherhood is stated before womanhood. We are Women before mothers and some women are never mothers, at least in this life. We need to define ourselves before we enter and take on new rolls. If we don’t have that, then it is easy to forget who we are.
My husband and I always promised that we would not let our children get between us. Not only spiritually and mentally, but physically. We have never let our children sit between us at church. Perhaps that it is easier said than done because we had only 2 children for the longest time. We shall see what the next few years hold for us. In the mean time it is something to think about and work on.
June 2nd, 2006 08:31
Very nice post. I also enjoyed the article. The thoughts expressed here about not losing sight of ourselves are good reminders. I like the Jodi Foster thought of motherhood being intensly creative, It makes me think about my own mothering, how I am doing.
I have always tried to remember that the kids will only live with us for a while and then we will be on our own again. I remember that I married my husband because I loved him and wanted to be with him, not because I wanted to have children (though I love the ones I have!) I would have wanted to be with him even if I had thought that we would never be able to have children.
My husband and I try to sit next to each other in church. (yes Tanya it is easier with only two, it becomes a challenge as you have more!) If we end up with a child between us we try to stay within touching distance. Then we can at least hold hands!
Motherhood is joyful, sometimes, in the middle of all the challenges of motherhood we just loose sight of that fact and we need reminders!
June 2nd, 2006 17:19
It is always easy to lose yourself, and thereby find yourself.
June 3rd, 2006 14:10
Somebody asked Grace Paley once why her poems were generally short, often around 20 lines. She said, “Well, I had six children, and twenty lines was about the most I could keep in my head all day until I could write at night.” I’ve always thought about that example, and thought that 20 exquisitely wrought lines might well be better than a hundred lines that hadn’t rattled around to perfection during a day of caring for children.
And, of course, there’s the Mormon example of Laurel Ulrich. Part of the reason she knew to take Martha Ballard’s journals seriously (and win a Pulitzer prize and a Macarthur Fellowship for her work on them), rather than dismiss them as boring details of a woman’s life as a couple of generations of historians had done, was that she had lived the “boring” life of a mother and homemaker, and knew how rich it was as an index to the life of a community.