A Prayer of Faith

We were thrilled when Pam Hansen, author of Running with Angels, graciously consented to do an interview to coincide with our review of her book. I hope you enjoy this chance to get to know Pam a little better. I sure did!

APoF: Have you always wanted to write a book?

Pam: Heavens no! I didn’t even pass the A.P. test! That’s really the miracle of it all – writing a book was never one of my goals.

APoF: What was it that led you to write the book?

Pam: The whole idea behind the book was to share this story with my children and grandchildren. Actually, backing up a little, writing was first something that was therapeutic for me. I have always loved journaling. Writing helped me work through my grief, and the experiences I had. After a time, I realized my outlook was changing, and that’s when I realized it would make a fun story for the kids (that they could see how their mom and grandma worked through these trials). I then realized that this was the kind of story I would have liked to read – a story about an ordinary person who achieved a dream.

I have to say that if I had to choose which was the most difficult — losing weight, running a marathon or writing a book – writing a book was the most difficult!

APoF: Was it difficult to expose yourself so personally? How do you feel as you interact with people in your personal life, knowing that they know so much of your innermost feelings and struggles?

Pam: It’s been uncomfortable at times. It’s hard having my “before” pictures out there. I’m a pretty private person. Sammy Linebaugh [a local news reporter] interviewed me just before the book came out. She was very kind, but I still felt so exposed. I lost sleep for over a week, realizing my innermost thoughts were out there for anyone to read. At 3:00 a.m. on one of those sleepless nights, I turned to a book by Sheri Dew for some comfort, and, boy, did I find it! She quoted President Hinckley, who said, “You are good. But it is not enough to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And that good that is in you must be spread to others” (No Doubt About It, p. 2). That gave me the courage to go ahead with the sharing of my story.

And while there has been some discomfort, sharing my story has been rewarding as well. I had a woman stop me in the aisle at the grocery store and say, “Are you the one who wrote that book? Thank you so much for sharing your feelings.” I appreciate the emails that say “I am so glad to know I am not alone” or that reaffirm a determination to “never, never, never give up” and that “it CAN be done!” and “I CAN do it!” I’ve had people contact me who have trials other than the ones I shared, but obviously felt something helpful from the book. I’m just an ordinary person, but it’s neat to see people who resonate with what I have shared. My hope was that this book could bring hope to people, and I have received so many positive responses that I haven’t been able to respond back to them all!

APoF: Can you share a success story or two that people have sent you since reading your book?

Pam:Dozens of people ran their first race last year in the Running with Angels 5K. That was so exciting! One of those women has Multiple Sclerosis and, months before, was faced with the possibility that she would never walk again. But she determined not to give up, and she set her sites on that race. She finished it, although it took her about four hours to do so. She was a real inspiration!

APoF: Clearly it’s overwhelming (and sometimes discouraging) to face a goal of weight loss like you did. For people struggling with weight issues and also with their self-image, can you share what helped you move from self-loathing to self-love?

Pam: There were various times that I would come home after a hard experience (like when the 12-year-old boy called me a walrus at Scout camp) and say to myself, “That’s it! I’m not going to let someone (like a 12-year-old boy) take away my self-confidence! But then I would reach for the chocolate to comfort me, and the downward spiral would just continue itself.

The turning point came when I was reflecting on the delivery of my stillborn son. I wanted that baby so badly! I remembered the doctor pulling and tugging to get the placenta out – and I realized that my body didn’t want to let go of that baby, either! For all this time, my body and my spirit had seemed to be working against each other, but now I saw them as more unified. And that caused me to feel a compassion for my body. Love for myself didn’t come until later, but I had that compassion. I thought, “If I can’t love myself right now, I’m going to at least be nice. I’m going to take care of my body.”

Another insight I had was that I realized that I cared a great deal about taking care of my children, because they were children of God. But then I realized that I am a child of God, too! The scripture, “Love thy neighbor as thyself” took on new meaning. I realized that I couldn’t love others as effectively if I didn’t love myself. And I realized that if someone else was going through a hard time like I was going through, that I would want to love and nurture and care for that person. I realized I needed to do that for myself.

APoF: It seems that there’s a real lesson here on the principle of agency.

Pam: During my efforts to lose weight, many times I found myself wishing that someone else could come and eat those carrot sticks while I sat back and enjoyed some Tootsie Rolls! When I was training for the marathon, I realized that no one could run those 10-mile training runs for me. When I was writing the book, there were times that I would say to my husband, “You know me – will you write it for me?” Of course, he would respond with, “This is your story. You need to do it yourself.”

In each of these situations, no earthly or heavenly angels could do what I needed to do. Now, I often finish talks that I give with this thought: “No matter how much support we have, no one can go through the refiner’s fire for us. We must experience the heat for ourselves.”

APoF: I love how the principles you address can apply to any of us with the trials we face. Speaking of trials, you address many in your book – for example, the loss of a child. What advice would you give to those struggling with grief from loss through miscarriage or the death of a baby? Also, how would you encourage their families and loved ones to go about offering comfort or help?

Pam: I would give some of the same advice to both: Be patient with the process of grief. I had a woman come up to me a few months after losing one of my babies. She said, “I just want you to feel better.” It doesn’t work like that. The hurt does lessen, but it never completely goes away.

To those struggling with grief themselves, I would recommend self-care. Using the marathon analogy, “stop and pause for a drink.” Find, make time in your day for spiritual, physical, emotional and mental rejuvenation. Make it a “when” not an “if.” Anything worthwhile takes time and effort. Be proactive about taking care of yourself. And try to enjoy the journey.

To those wanting to offer help and comfort to loved ones who are grieving: Just don’t do nothing! Offer help where you can and be patient with yourself in your efforts.

APoF: Another trial you discussed in your book is chronic illness. How are your girls doing?

Pam: They are doing really well! Sarah’s [juvenile rheumatoid] arthritis is in remission. Hillary [who has Ollier’s disease — a rare bone disease] will eventually need surgery, but for now, she is doing well. We haven’t been to a doctor for a year for her – and for a while there, we were going every couple of months. We are happy about how mild her case seems to be at this point.

APoF: OK, back to the weight loss challenge for a minute. You relate several instances where people made thoughtless remarks that were hurtful to you. I think the book helps raise awareness of how difficult struggling with weight and self-image can be. It might help increase sensitivity in that regard. However, you also shared many times when you felt people were thinking critical things about you, or were laughing at you. Do you think that overweight people may sometimes project their negative fixation on their weight into other people’s looks and comments, and that they could boost their self-esteem by remembering that most people aren’t that mean-spirited? Or do you think that people really are that insensitive or mean-spirited and that everyone should realize how hurtful their remarks can be?

Pam: That is an excellent question. One of the most important realizations I had from writing the book is that I was a little paranoid, at times, in my assumptions about others’ judgments of me. Elder Holland’s comments from the October 2005 General Conference ring true. He quoted Julia DeVillers (a teen adviser), who said, “You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you].” Elder Holland adds, “And in the kingdom of God, the real you is ‘more precious than rubies’ (Prov. 3:15).”

APoF: How have you been able to make changes to your diet and in how you cook for your family? How do you deal with complaints from children and your meat-and-potatoes husband?

Pam: Weight Watchers gave me some good ideas. I bought an inexpensive steamer insert for my pans to steam veggies. And I tried to make more healthy purchases, such as whole grain bread instead of just what was the cheapest! I try to make more healthy foods (although I’m certainly not perfect in that regard). The other day, for example, I made a fruit smoothie. I didn’t have too many takers that day. I just keep trying, though!

Planning ahead is also huge. If I don’t plan meals ahead of time, it’s too easy to go for prepared foods or to say, “Let’s just order a pizza!”

I also just watch people and how they eat. For example, we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant. A woman we were with ordered fajitas. I realized that was a lot better choice than the chimichangas (I usually ordered something deep-fried).

APoF: Sounds like good tips for any of us!

Tell us about the upcoming “Running with Angels” 5K.

Pam: It will be held on June 24th at 8:00 a.m. at Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, Utah. It’s a beautiful location. As was the case with the race last year, proceeds will benefit Women’s Services at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. In addition to the 5K, we also have a Fun Run for children (which is approximately a half-mile run). For more information, you can go to the race website. We had a wonderful time last year, and are looking forward to another great race!

APoF: It’s been great talking with you. Is there anything else you would like to share with our readers?

Pam: I just want people to know that miracles can happen, one step –- sometimes one painful step — at a time!

APoF: Thank you for talking with us. And good luck with your upcoming 5K!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 13th, 2006 at 6:00 am and is filed under All Good Books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.