Procreation Education Help?
This may sound strange, but I’ve looked forward to the day when I could teach my children more about the law of chastity and all that entails. But I wasn’t ready for that opportunity to come so soon, nor to be thrust upon me by a neighbor child’s sex-ed lesson to my three children (my youngest is only four, mind you!). Fortunately, my oldest (age 7) came to me directly and we had a good talk. I kept things pretty general, and made a point to bring in the law of chastity. I want the doctrinal and spiritual and wonderful aspects of it to be more the focus than the, er, mechanical. That’s a tricky balance because ya gotta have both.
After this happened, I reviewed parts of A Parent’s Guide (a great resource, BTW), but I am still wanting s’more help.
So…I’m looking for some thoughts, feelings, experiences, plans, etc. from my cyberfriends. If you have already had this teaching experience grace your life, how did you approach it? Do you know of any books that are good? (Do you know of any that also have the doctrinal side to them?) What worked well? What would you do differently? If you are still in younger-children (or no-children) mode, but have given this some thought, what are your thoughts? I am idealistic enough to think that the right approach to teaching about this can affect the children in the way they view the importance of the law of chastity for the next decade or two, as well as how they can understand and enjoy the blessing of marital sexuality in the future (assuming marriage is in all of their futures, of course).
Anxiously awaiting your thoughts….
:)
June 16th, 2006 13:51
Howdy Michelle! Good to “see” you again! Hee Hee
I will take a crack at this one. :]
When I was younger, my parents were very affectionate with one another, gave hugs and kisses in front of us children all the time. They held hands at home and in public… sat together on the couch and cuddled while we watched movies together. They sat together in church and my Dad would always have his arm around my mom. They held hands while driving. Physical affection was a normal part of our everyday life and we witnessed this on a daily basis. It was normal and natural for us. As we grew older, naturally our curiousity about the birds and the bees did too. Mom had 6 children in 10 years and of course children are curious and want to know how this happens! I remember my Mom reading us a book for Family Home Evening one night when she was pregnant with one of my siblings and the title of the book was “You Were Once Smaller Than A Dot”. Thus began our sex education. I could not say exactly when the sex ed talk actually happened, because we never had a formal “talk” as I know some families do. It was a normal, healthy part of everyday life so that it was a no-nonsense kind of topic. My parents weren’t embarrassed about sex, they talked openly and answered any questions about it very matter of factly and honestly. I think they did a great job just answering our questions frankly and keeping the answers age appropriate. We could always talk to them about anything we wanted to know about it and they always incorporated the gospel into their answers. One time when I was much older and struggling during the time my husband and I were dating… I felt like I was sinning or there was something wrong with me for desiring to be physical with my soon-to-be husband so strongly. I felt like that was wrong and I wasn’t allowed to feel that way until AFTER the wedding. My mom and dad assured me that my desire was appropriate and healthy and God-given and that there was nothing to be ashamed about. Temptation, they explained, was not wrong. Giving into that temptation outside the bounds of marriage was wrong. So my desire was healthy but I was to keep it in check and not cross improper boundaries with my husband. We were encouraged to have boundaries, set some rules for ourselves to follow until we were married, which we gratefully did and felt better. Just knowing that my desire was NORMAL and GOOD was such a relief for me and freed me up and made it EASIER for me to keep it in check and wait until the appropriate time… when my husband and I were able to finally be one. I am grateful that I could talk to my parents about these kinds of things… without embarrassment and without shame. But the environment that they raised us in allowed us to ask and talk about these kinds of things without fear of being punished or chided. I have learned a great deal from that experience how important it is that our children feel safe to talk with us about these things… so that they do not feel compelled to seek out information from the wrong places.
My 6 year old has recently been curious about sex as she has younger siblings and we just recently had another baby. A few weeks ago, she asked my husband and I out of the blue “How did Daddy’s seed get inside Mommy so it could go to the egg?” {We have already explained to her that our baby’s body was created when Daddy put his seed into Mommy and it attached to the egg inside of Mommy and then Heavenly Father put the spirit into the body so our baby could grow big enough to be born.} But she naturally wanted to know how did the seed get into Mommy? I was a little flustered for a second and was a little unsure how to answer. But then she asked again, “Mommy, did Daddy just put the seed inside you?” I looked at her and I said “Yes. Daddy put the seed inside of me.” She still looked confused and said, “But how?” I looked at my husband and he gently explained to her that through a hole in his body the seed goes from his body into Mommy’s body. He went on to tell her that it is very special to do that… and that only Mommies and Daddies when they are married are to do that…because the seed is special… but that it is a special way that we show we love each other and it is how we created all of you! She laughed a little and said, “Well, you guys sure like to love eachother a lot so you will probably have a whole lot of babies then!” {We do already have 5 children so she may be onto something there!} We obviously left out some important details to that but it was enough to satisfy her curiosity without giving too much information. As she gets older and asks more questions or we feel it appropriate to explain more to her, we will. I guess that’s what I mean by age appropriate. We didn’t want her to misunderstand or believe that just by kissing you can become pregnant as so many children have been led to believe by well meaning parents. My childhood friend had been told that and was kissed by a boy in 4th grade and she was terrified that she was pregnant and was afraid to tell her parents! I found her crying and upset after school and explained to her that she can’t get pregnant by kissing and she was very relieved. Jeff and I have decided to tell our children the truth, gently and at an age appropriate levels what they can understand. We also feel it is appropriate to use the correct words for body parts instead of nicknames as we have found that using nicknames gives an impression that those things are something to be ashamed of. We want our children to have a healthy sexuality and a quiet confidence in their God-given bodies, as well as an understanding of what is appropriate and when. We talk about it in daily life, at home while we are relaxing or in the car while we are driving. We explain the differences between girls and boys matter-of-factly and our children ask us all kinds of interesting questions! I have learned, by following my husband’s lead, to just be prayerful and careful in my answers and let the Spirit lead when I feel flustered and not sure how to answer. Sometimes when I am not sure how to answer, I will often say, “Let’s go and ask your Dad!” LOL My husband loves that one but he often can explain in a much easier way without giving out too much information.
June 16th, 2006 19:17
My only big beef is to avoid the sex = bad approach that is so commonly employed. This just leads to embarassment, shame and is often the cause of kids being afraid to ask their parents about sex. I sort of like the comparison of sex to bapstism. Sex and baptism are both great, good and important, but before a certain point (marriage or age 8 ) both are sins and abominations. The act itself is good, it’s the misuse of it that is wrong.
Other than that, I agree with Stephanie that using proper names and telling the truth helps kids avoid embarassment, and misunderstanding. My mom was often guilty of explaining more than may have been necessary, but she was always honest, and I appreciated that.
June 17th, 2006 06:45
I was the oldest child, and partially because my own mother was so naive when they married, my parents definitely shared a bit too much information. But, I always appreciated that I could ask any question, and that they answered without hesitation or embarrassment. They too, were/are very loving and affectionate in their marriage.
Unfortunately though, my first introduction to sex was when I was in kindergarten and a 6th grader came up to a group of us during recess and sneeringly described the act. At the time I was horrified and rejected it as a lie.
It is easy to plan for the ideal time of sharing information with your children, but it is hard to control all of the information they may be exposed to.
I only have two young sons (under age 4), so I haven’t had to face this challenge. However, I was raised with all sisters, and my primary concern at this time is how to appropriately teach my sons to handle their private parts without making them feel shame about their bodies. Masturbation / pornography is becoming such a rampant problem within and without the church, and I fear this as a potential problem even more than my children becoming promiscuous since it has been shown to be even more addictive than drugs.
My husband as a recovering addict to this problem doesn’t have the personal knowledge of how boys can be raised without this problem, (though we both want to know how to achieve it) and all of the books that I have tried to read for direction are by modern-day psychologists who think that masturbation is normal and natural.
I’m not trying to thread-jack, but are there any mothers of teenage/grown men (who know that their sons haven’t had this problem) who can share how they handled it?
June 17th, 2006 16:40
I highly recommend Brad Wilcox’s book, _Growing Up_ (Deseret Book). He’s an experienced maturation speaker/counselor in the public school system, and a popular youth speaker in the Church. The book takes a well-rounded approach to growing up, including mental, social, spiritual, and physical growth. It’s targeted to kids aged 10-13 but some of mine have read it earlier (ages 8 and up). The only reproductive-related graphics are waist-down line drawings (very tame). He covers all the easy stuff such as body parts and the development of an unborn baby, as well as the tougher stuff such as intercourse, masturbation, pornography, homosexuality, abortion, rape, and sexual abuse. He gives a good angle on the law of chastity. He stresses that sex is a great gift and a wonderful part of life when engaged in at the proper time.
I’d recommend this book for parents to read too, those with young kids as well as tweens.
And for older teens and adults, Jeffrey R. Holland’s devotional “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments” is _dynamite_.
June 17th, 2006 19:50
I think my friend recommended a Brad Wilcox book for teaching younger children, too??….
I LOVE Elder Holland’s talk as well! It’s a classic!
Stephanie and Starfoxy, thank you so much for your thoughts. Stephanie, you gave me some interesting ideas for next steps. Thanks! And Starfoxy, the whole sex=bad is one of the huge things I want NOT to communicate to my kids, so thanks for that comment. I think that is sooo important.
There’s a great book out called _And They Were Not Ashamed_ by Laura Brotherson. She’s LDS, and writes especially for women in the Church. She talks about how “The Good Girl” syndrome (good girls don’t do/like sex) causes a lot of marital grief. She also has some good insights into making that aspect of a marriage more meaningful and positive and enjoyable. Meridian Magazine has carried chapters of that book.
June 18th, 2006 09:50
[…] Like Michelle, I have been put in a teaching role, and need some help. I’ve been asked to teach a short class on Astronomy for an enrichment activity. […]
June 18th, 2006 11:47
The thing with Elder Hollands talk is that it is designed for Young Adults. He even mentions that. IT is not for children or even teenagers. It should be used by the appropriate age group. That is how to focus on the subject as it is. Find out exactly what the child wants to know. Give simple answers until they seem satisfied with what knowledge is given to them. Sometimes they just want a simple answer.
I also agree with the avoid sex=bad, too many people have the idea that it is so wrong that they struggle after marriage.
I do love Brad Wilcox’s book, but there again it is for teenagers not children.
As far as married goes, I love the book, Between Husband and Wife. I own it and it gives wonderful insights on what can happen during a married couples life span.
June 18th, 2006 12:07
Tanya,
You are right…these are for older audiences. (I meant to mention that Laura Brotherson’s book is for adults, but she does have a little on teaching children (I had forgotten about that until I wrote that comment.
For example:
Part 1 of her series
Part 2
Part 3
This one might also have some insights (I haven’t read these for a while).
But, still, this is guidance for the adults. I’m still interested in more suggestions of books geared toward pre-baptism aged children, if anyone knows of any….
June 18th, 2006 22:50
I haven’t found many useful books. They usually have the wrong morality. I found a Christian book that seems ok morality-wise (explains the masterbation is wrong, sex is reserved for marriage, mentions God). It discusses puberty as well as sex. I plan to read it more carefully soon, before letting my daughter read it. Its called “How you are Changing by Jane Graver.
I think it is important to answer questions directly and without embarrassment. If it isn’t an appropriate time to discuss it, (like when my friends daughter saw a tabloid and asked what does “rape” mean and she had her younger children there) say “Right now I am …….., we can talk about that later when we get home, ok.”
Practice being comfortable talking with your children when they are 2,3,4,5 about their bodies. If you can’t say the word penis without being embarrassed, practice!
Things I’ve said over the years (oldest is
Where did the baby come from?
Well, First Heavenly Father created our spirits which were up in heaven until it is time to come to earth. Second, a little part from mommy called an egg, and a little part from daddy called a sperm, come together and start growing into a baby inside mommy’s tummy. When the baby is born its spirit comes into the body to live on earth.
How does the baby come out?
Between my legs. Some special things happen to mommy’s body when the baby is ready to be born so that it can fit through and come out that way.
Can someone have a baby without being married?
Yes, they can. But Heavenly Father wants us to have families and he wants a Mom and Dad to love each other and be a family when they have a baby.
I also say things like:
Talking about private areas of our bodies like your vagina isn’t something we talk about with everyone. These are special private parts of your body. We can talk about these things at home, but not when our friends are around. OK?
(When in the bath) Heavenly Father made all parts of your body. Your arms, your legs, your feet, your bum, your penis, your testicles.
Your private areas are special and you should be gentle and take care of that part of your body.
Do you have any questions about any parts of your body?
Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.
Then there is the appropriate touching talk.
I’ve told you before that there are some people who have a touching problem and don’t follow the rules about touching private areas. Its my job as your mom to ask you about if anyone around you is having a hard time following these rules. Has anyone touched your penis? Or told you to touch their private parts? Well, if someone does something like this (even if they say they are sorry, or even if they tell you it is your fault, or even if they said they were kidding or if they said it was a secret) you need to tell me or dad. OK? We don’t have these kinds of secrets in our family. So if anyone talks about private stuff, or shows you something, you should come and talk to me about it ok?
Sometimes kids are really scared to tell someone about something like that. Sometimes the other person tricked them so they are scared. But even if it is hard, it is always better to tell your mom and dad.
June 18th, 2006 23:05
Anonymous,
I plan to emphasize that a boys penis is a wonderful part of their body and someday when they are married it will have a special function.
Also, I plan to emphasize the taking care of our bodies. We take baths, we brush our teeth, and one way we take care of our penis is leave it alone until we are married.
I think that asking them “What is your penis for?” is a good way to introduce it. You pee with it. Right! Your penis is there so you can pee. Do you walk around with no underwear showing your penis? No, that’s not good manners. Do you put your hand in your pants when you are in school? No. Is your penis a toy to play with? No, its not. Now, if you need to fix your underwear or something, you go into the bathroom and then wash your hands when you are done, right? If your penis hurts you should talk to a doctor or your mom and dad, right? That’s how you should take care of your penis.
I’d love to hear how other parents discuss things like this with their young children.