Mormon Dating: My Ex-husband
Michael is my ex-husband. Since our divorce, I have remarried. He has not. Given that we are still good friends with a functional relationship, I find myself getting an interesting view into not-so-Young Single Adult dating in the church…
There’s LDS Planet, of course. Mike keeps swearing that he’s going to cancel his membership–every month, and yet always another month rolls around and he still has it. Given where he lives and the lawyers’ hours that he keeps, it’s really his only chance to cross paths with anyone. Having peeked over his shoulder a few times, I have to say that I do not envy his situation. The profiles range from sisters in foreign countries who want to get married to get to come to the US, to sisters way too old for him, to those way too young for him, to way too no-way-is-she-really-a-member for him. He even once got contacted by a guy.
Sure, a couple of times, there have been some really neat sisters whose lives were as real and as busy as his, and so they just never seemed to have a chace to make the connection. It’s a shame, because he is hands-down what any sister could, should, and probably does want in a husband. (The divorce was all me. I don’t want to go into it, but suffice it to say that he really is that perfect.)
He’s good looking, intelligent, kind, profoundly faithful, funny, active, and just plain pleasant to be around. He’s plenty educated, with a double-Bachelors from the Y (English & History), one thesis shy of a Masters (Shakespeare and the Law) also from the Y, and a JD/MBA from CWRU School of Law & Weatherhead School of Business. He’s a total FARMS enthusiast, a well-read Nibley devoté, and yet he has managed to sidestep all the quasiapostasic nonsense that such intellectualism all-too-often breeds in members. His faith is deeper than I have ever seen in another human being, and he lives the gospel as seamlessly as you or I breathe. In short, he is the kindest and best of men.
It is so wrong that he, of all men on this planet, has to be alone.
He is out of town this weekend, hiking in the Sawtooths in Idaho, which is how I can get away with writing this. So, in his absence, gentle readers, I ask you, what’s a guy to do when he’s 39 and amazing, yet single…?
June 30th, 2006 16:44
Hmm. Sounds like the type of guy that my wife deserves…
June 30th, 2006 17:00
Ryan! You are so precious. I can not imagine that the guy your wife has is too far off.
June 30th, 2006 18:58
RUSH and golf.
I have a hard time understanding why people like you don’t set him up with someone once in a while. Is he resistent to this type of ‘charity’?
June 30th, 2006 19:13
Ok, Rush I follow you on, (Mike’s a big Rush fan.) but “golf”? You lose me there.
As for fixing him up, alas, I know no more single, elegible LDS chicks than he does…
June 30th, 2006 21:10
1. A free LDS dating web site is at: www.LDSpals.com. However, being free, it attracts the scammers. Another free dating site, though not limited to LDS, is www.HotOrNot.com. A free site with excellent matching software, but very few LDS members, is www.OKcupid.com. Sign up there and help start a trend. The latter has a huge database of questions that help match you up with someone. Answer at least 300 questions, preferrably 500, and the matches get quite accurate. You don’t have to answer all questions at once. Just a few a day, and it goes quickly.
2. Occasionally, a non-dysfunctional Single Adult attends
Single Adult events. I recommend going to your local,
stake and regional Single Adult events at least quarterly.
The Lord can’t bless you unless you make yourself
available.
3. Follow the Spirit. Ya’ll believe in personal revelation,
right? Be willing to take road trips in response to promptings. The Lord knows you, and the Lord knows “her” and what’s to prevent him from getting you two together?
Even if there is not one specific “her”, he knows the women you’d be interested in and who would make a good match with you.
The Spirit has sent me on two trips as training runs. I don’t think I’ve found “the one” but I’ve seen proof of the concept.
June 30th, 2006 21:43
So, Naiah, are you taking names? Because I have the most perfect, fabulous, unmarried 31-year-old sister (who fortunately doesn’t read blogs, so I can get away with asking this question)…she honestly is the best woman in the entire world. Sounds like a good match, right? (Of course right! Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…sorry, got a little carried away there.)
June 30th, 2006 23:52
Anon, thanks. When Mike gets out of the mountains, I’ll point him at your suggestions.
Keryn, Hahaha, I’ll totally take names! Email me privately.
July 1st, 2006 12:31
Not to compete with Keryn, but I have someone in mind, too.
(I have to say, Keryn, that I had that song in my head for a while after reading your post!) 
July 1st, 2006 12:41
I think LDSSingles might be an option, too. It has “scientifically-based” matching…and you can even buy a gift certificate for your single friends!
(If this is a threadjack, ignore me. I’m trying to decide if I like the idea of software deciding who might be a good “match” for people — does that seem mechanical, or might it be a good way to weed out those who might not “click”? I guess I worry about it weeding out someone who might be a good match after all.)
July 1st, 2006 13:37
I have two sisters, one 46 years old, and another 37 years old, both divorced. It has been hard to see them both try to find someone that can appreciate them for what they are.
July 1st, 2006 21:13
In my experience, LDSSingles is a place with amazing women who aren’t very picky, since I met my wife there and she agreed to marry me. That was in the pre-”scientifically-matched” days, though.
July 1st, 2006 22:21
Isn’t that funny. I have a 31 year old fantastical unmarried sister too! However, my grandma has already publicly declared that she will be the spinster aunt of our family, (”Grandma! did you mean to say that out loud!?!”) so I guess all hope for her is lost.
More on topic, perhaps volunteering to be a Big Brother would help him feel a little less lonely. I understand they’re supposed to become fairly involved with the entire family, so it might help him to feel like he is a special necessary part of a struggling family. I get the impression that many single adults struggle with feeling like 3rd wheels in family settings, so helping out in a single parent home might allievate that.
July 2nd, 2006 11:16
The “Big Brother” organization sounds great. But, if a single man is doing everything possible in church, I don’t see how he can have much time for outside service projects.
Home-teaching and callings can eat up as much time as you let them. Most wards I know of have at least 50% inactivity rate, so home-teaching companionships end up having 5 or so families or individuals to home teach.
Home-teaching shouldn’t end, or be “done” as they say, after one perfunctory monthly visit. Lots of people could use more than one visit or one phone call.
If a single man has exhausted his service opportunities in home-teaching and his calling(s), I bet there are plenty of opportunities in most wards to be a “big brother” to the children of divorced/widowed mothers without leaving ward boundaries. Check with the Bishop to see who needs a “big brother” in the ward.
Even if the children’s father still lives in town or within driving distance, many absent dads are non-member or inactive anyway. And those kids usually need positive male role-models outside of official church settings.
I once took a couple boys who had an absent dad into my company’s office on a Saturday and let them play computer games on company computers. That was about as good as taking them fishing.
Most boys in our stake who have absent, inactive, or non-member fathers don’t go to the stake priesthood meetings, even when those boys are “Sunday active”. Their moms and grandmothers don’t have the time, or just don’t understand the importance, to get them to those stake priesthood meetings so they can literally feel that spirit of priesthood brotherhood when several hundred righteous men sing in unison. (And home teachers and youth leaders can’t get them to go if the mom tells them they don’t “have to” go.)
I’m not talking about the priesthood leadership meetings, but rather those stake meetings that are for all priesthood holders, Aaronic and Melchizedek.
Sisters, if you’ve never been to one of those meetings, (they’re open to the public, as I’ve seen investigators there) and you want to get a “gut feel” for what priesthood is about, I suggest you go and sit in the back. If you need a pretext to be there, give a ride to a youth whose dad is inactive or a non-member.
Plus, if you’re a single sister, and want to see who the worthy men are in your stake, go early and park yourself in the foyer and see who comes by as those will be the core male members of your stake.
In our stake, they are held twice a year at 7:00 am on a Sunday at one of the chapels. The early time weeds out the “cultural members”, and what you have there are the “core” of the stake. The leadership probably does that on purpose, to see who shows up and who they can count on.
But what it also does is concentrate a whole stake’s “good guys”, the pillars and the dedicated ones, all in one place. And when you listen to such a group sing, the combined spirit of all those bright shining lights rolls over you like a tidal wave, and lifts you up.
I get the impression that many “feminist” (quotes are intentional) Mormons who are bitter at the patriarchal aspect of the church and priesthood have a misunderstanding of what priesthood really is and is supposed to be.
I believe attending such a meeting will fill-in a needed missing piece of the puzzle for those women. That spirit of such a group of men singing gives you a “gut feel” for what priesthood is, perhaps more than reading scriptures or reading sermons on the topic.
July 2nd, 2006 13:05
Case Western Reserve University — didn’t realize it shortened like that.
You make a good point. Once a guy gets older and is working full time, it gets very hard to meet people outside of the meat market approach (which is fine for 20-somethings).
Wish you well with your matchmaking. Hope that things work out well.
July 5th, 2006 09:29
Naiah:
I was just thinking what I would do if I was 39 (which I am) and single (which I am not). RUSH and golf.
I guess part of my message here is mainly to go on enjoying life. Be happy. That will help in a couple of ways.
August 7th, 2006 11:59
Naiah,
My family is getting together for a funeral this weekend in Idaho. I have a single brother who is almost 35 who has never been married, so I googled LDS singles activities in Idaho to see if I could find any activities for him. This is how I found your post.
After reading your story about Michael, I finally understand the frustration that my brother feels. While my Dad was still alive, he would constantly harass my brother about being single, and not having a family. After a while, Jimmie quit attending family reunions and other family activities because he was tired of being bothered.
One day Jimmie and I were talking and I asked him why he was still single. He told me that all of the sisters in his old singles ward complained about not being asked out on dates to the Bishop, but he was actively engaged in his priesthood responsibility to find his wife. He found out that the sisters wanted to be asked out by about a half dozen of the elders in their ward, and the rest of the elders were the ‘leftovers’ that no one else wanted. Because of this comment made by a snotty sister, my brother stopped wasting his time and money trying to date the sisters in the ward. There is a divorced sister in my ward in California who divorced her husband ‘because she wanted more out of life’. Her husband was a district attorney and in good shape (he is a triathelete), yet she wanted ‘more’ out of her life.
After talking to this divorced sister, I realized that Jimmie was right. A lot of the single sisters his age are single for a reason. For the last 3 to 4 years he has dated outside of the church. He feels that he has made every effort to find someone in the church, and has decided that after 10 years of searching for someone that he will likely marry outside of the church. He was telling me that all of the sisters his age are looking for guys that meet an impossible list of technical specifications, and almost all of them have no assets- only liabilities to bring to the relationship. The ‘line item’ on the spec sheet - as Jimmie calls it, that makes him laugh is that most of the sisters want a guy that is in great shape, yet they range from overweight to obese.
I don’t know what to do. Jimmie is a great guy, he is in good shape- he works out all of the time, almost every child that he meets loves him, but he is tired of putting up with the single sisters’ crap. More than anything else, I would love to see Jimmie sealed to the girl that he loves, but he won’t attend singles activities, wards, institutes, and he refuses to go online.
Do you guys have any suggestions?
Jenn