One of the wonderful things for me has been to recognize that it is this quality of “openheartedness” that is probably responsible for the unusually loving and close relationship my husband and I have with my two siblings and their spouses.

And I see now how it is in striving for this quality that my adult children (and their spouses), and my husband and I have been growing closer over the past few years.

I am very much an introvert, and since we have moved around so much, it has often been difficult for me to make friends. Recently I have made two new friends, and although our friendships began to develop prior to my starting the experiment, I recognize that it was our ability to open our hearts to God, and to each other, that allowed the friendships to flower so quickly, and thus bless my life in ways that only God knew I needed to be blessed.

‘Get Used to it! $.05 please.’

Sorry if I gave that impression. My sense of humor takes some getting used to and at times an explanation.

I can’t help but feel a little like Charlie Brown sitting in front of Lucy’s psycolgy stand. You know…

The Doctor is IN
$.05

As I look inside what motivates me most of the time (in career and stuff) it is the avoidance of failure, but more frequently being thought of as a failure by others. Kind of a survival instinct. I think this speaks to Michelles comments. Who am I REALLY trying to please - long term.

Thanks again.

Here are some thoughts, for what they are worth…. I, too, am a people pleaser. (Oh, MY, do I relate to that!) I am realizing more and more, however, that I can’t control what other people do or feel. I can do my very best to do my very best (which it sounds like you are doing re: your business decision), but I can’t do much about people’s reactions. That doesn’t mean I can’t be compassionate along the way, but if someone is mad or disagrees with me, I have to learn to let that go.

You said: “But I do care. I want to please everybody, all the time. When I can’t it bothers me.” A hard question I would ask is: Do you want to please everyone for others’ sakes or for your own? What I mean by that is that, at least in my case, I often want to please others because that is validation for ME. I am happy (I feel good about myself) when I make other people happy (as though I can take credit for that or something). I get stressed when others are not happy with me, even if I can’t do anything about their choice of emotions (I take blame for others’ emotions). Sure, some of it is because I don’t like to see others unhappy, especially if it’s related to me. But I find that some of that is not altruistic but, instead, selfish to some degree because of how I gauge my “worth” on what is happening around me (external focus) instead of the worth I feel from God and within myself. Does that make sense?

For me, this change of focus to feeling at peace with myself (not in a self-esteem sense, but in an “I have worth because God loves me and I’m doing my best and He knows that” kind of way), regardless of how people respond to me, may take a lifetime.

I think Naiah’s thoughts about separating the person from the decision are good. I’m the type, too, that might just approach the person to say, “Look, I’m sorry about all of this. I know you don’t agree with what happened. I want you to know I made the best decision I knew how. I hope you can respect that, and I’m sorry” or something like that. Maybe you can look for ways to show concern outside of this realm, but don’t necessarily ignore the way that person feels. I find that sometimes pretending nothing happened is worse that getting things on the table…that way, feelings can be acknowledged, but so can the choices that have been made.

Sorry, I’m rambling. My last thought is just to pray, pray, pray for guidance with what to do. This person won’t go away most likely, so find out how God thinks you should best get past this horrible tension - or at least be able to do all you can do. That person may never stop being upset, so all you can do is what you have control over. Hard stuff. Best wishes to you!

I think part of the lesson in looking into my heart is that I am not quite as patient and charitable as I thought. When I look deep down I admit I just want this guy to go away. I don’t care much how. Quit. Move. Get hit by a truck. Whatever. Or at least keep your mouth shut and do your job. Yes it’s that bad at times. My wife told our home teachers that she has never seen me like this.

I think part of the lesson is that I care about what others think and feel more than I thought. It would be nice to say ’so what’? He’s not happy - who cares? It’s not my job to make him happy. But I do care. I want to please everybody, all the time. When I can’t it bothers me. I am usually very accomodating. A few decisions on this just did not allow for compromise. Either do it or not.

So when I look into my heart lately I see good and bad.

You make a good point Naiah about separating the decisions and the business world from the person and the outside world. I have not had to make such a separation as this before.