How’s Your Heart?
To all of you who decided to participate in our experiment: How is it going? How is your heart? Is it more open? Have you noticed a difference in your life? We are so excited to hear about your experiences, feelings and insights!
With the holiday this week and all, we have shuffled things around a little, so check here on Friday for the next article in our series. (And, if by chance you have forgotten about the experiment, you have a couple of extra days to give it a try!)
July 6th, 2006 05:49
As some may know from my recent posts I have had a significant problem with high-level conflict at work which is ruining many things for me. Unfortunately this individual is a member of our ward and a relative. It is in this area that I have tried to look into my heart and see what is there. I didn’t like everything I saw.
I am not as secure as I ought to be. I had to make ‘the call’ on some difficult decisions, in the midst of strong disagreement. And am being publicly criticised at every turn by those involved. I think I am right, most company leaders do as well. But it is awkward.
But I care about what others think. I don;t want them to be angry or upset. I can’t quite let it go and not care how they feel. But I have to stick to my guns too. Maybe I’m not as bad as I think.
I don’t like confrontation, but can;t avoid it now. It tears me up. Is this a good thing or a bad thing.
July 6th, 2006 07:49
Wow, Eric…
I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it certainly sounds like a learning experience…As to just what lesson, I’m not too sure. Respect the business roles, while keeping your heart open to the person…maybe? Keep your head and heart clear and open, and listen to the Spirit.
July 6th, 2006 09:23
I don’t want to take over here….
I think part of the lesson in looking into my heart is that I am not quite as patient and charitable as I thought. When I look deep down I admit I just want this guy to go away. I don’t care much how. Quit. Move. Get hit by a truck. Whatever. Or at least keep your mouth shut and do your job. Yes it’s that bad at times. My wife told our home teachers that she has never seen me like this.
I think part of the lesson is that I care about what others think and feel more than I thought. It would be nice to say ’so what’? He’s not happy - who cares? It’s not my job to make him happy. But I do care. I want to please everybody, all the time. When I can’t it bothers me. I am usually very accomodating. A few decisions on this just did not allow for compromise. Either do it or not.
So when I look into my heart lately I see good and bad.
You make a good point Naiah about separating the decisions and the business world from the person and the outside world. I have not had to make such a separation as this before.
July 6th, 2006 12:42
Eric,
For what it’s worth, don’t you worry about ‘taking over’ or anything like that. If discussion here is helpful, then discuss away!
Here are some thoughts, for what they are worth…. I, too, am a people pleaser. (Oh, MY, do I relate to that!) I am realizing more and more, however, that I can’t control what other people do or feel. I can do my very best to do my very best (which it sounds like you are doing re: your business decision), but I can’t do much about people’s reactions. That doesn’t mean I can’t be compassionate along the way, but if someone is mad or disagrees with me, I have to learn to let that go.
You said: “But I do care. I want to please everybody, all the time. When I can’t it bothers me.” A hard question I would ask is: Do you want to please everyone for others’ sakes or for your own? What I mean by that is that, at least in my case, I often want to please others because that is validation for ME. I am happy (I feel good about myself) when I make other people happy (as though I can take credit for that or something). I get stressed when others are not happy with me, even if I can’t do anything about their choice of emotions (I take blame for others’ emotions). Sure, some of it is because I don’t like to see others unhappy, especially if it’s related to me. But I find that some of that is not altruistic but, instead, selfish to some degree because of how I gauge my “worth” on what is happening around me (external focus) instead of the worth I feel from God and within myself. Does that make sense?
For me, this change of focus to feeling at peace with myself (not in a self-esteem sense, but in an “I have worth because God loves me and I’m doing my best and He knows that” kind of way), regardless of how people respond to me, may take a lifetime.
I think Naiah’s thoughts about separating the person from the decision are good. I’m the type, too, that might just approach the person to say, “Look, I’m sorry about all of this. I know you don’t agree with what happened. I want you to know I made the best decision I knew how. I hope you can respect that, and I’m sorry” or something like that. Maybe you can look for ways to show concern outside of this realm, but don’t necessarily ignore the way that person feels. I find that sometimes pretending nothing happened is worse that getting things on the table…that way, feelings can be acknowledged, but so can the choices that have been made.
Sorry, I’m rambling. My last thought is just to pray, pray, pray for guidance with what to do. This person won’t go away most likely, so find out how God thinks you should best get past this horrible tension - or at least be able to do all you can do. That person may never stop being upset, so all you can do is what you have control over. Hard stuff. Best wishes to you!
July 6th, 2006 12:52
Eric, sometimes you can only do what you have to do. You can’t “Make” people happy, but you have to do what you need to do for the good of your work environment. The trick is to do it with as much compassion as possible. I listened to part of a talk the other day on conflict, and why we have it and what we are to learn from it. You can’t change someone else you can only change yourself and how you react to a situation. I agree with Michelle, pray, pray, pray to find the wisdom to deal with the struggle you are having. God knows your heart and the heart of the other involved. Good Luck.
July 6th, 2006 17:55
Thanks everyone. One of the best therapy sessions I have had. Hope I did not distract from the purpose of the experiment.
I can’t help but feel a little like Charlie Brown sitting in front of Lucy’s psycolgy stand. You know…
The Doctor is IN
$.05
As I look inside what motivates me most of the time (in career and stuff) it is the avoidance of failure, but more frequently being thought of as a failure by others. Kind of a survival instinct. I think this speaks to Michelles comments. Who am I REALLY trying to please - long term.
Thanks again.
July 6th, 2006 18:55
If this discussion has been like talking to Lucy, we are in BIIIIIG trouble.
(Hey, but at least it is free advice.)
The purpose of the experiment is to help us figure out how to open our hearts, what causes us to close our hearts, and what difference happens in our lives (and, if applicable, in the lives of others) as we try to open our hearts more. Self-awareness is a big part of the experiment, and so is sharing (both the good and the struggles) — so, once again, no worries! Keep checking back, and please continue to feel free to share. Open sharing with each other will be one of the things that will help make the experiment a successful experience for all.
July 7th, 2006 05:34
Sorry Michelle. I was really saying that I felt like Charlie Brown, not that your advice here is like the advice Lucy gives.
‘Get Used to it! $.05 please.’
Sorry if I gave that impression. My sense of humor takes some getting used to and at times an explanation.
July 7th, 2006 06:14
So far, the experiment has had only positive results for me. Some of my experiences have been in the category of very pleasant interactions, others I would classify as definitely heart-warming, and a few have been truly amazing.
One of the wonderful things for me has been to recognize that it is this quality of “openheartedness” that is probably responsible for the unusually loving and close relationship my husband and I have with my two siblings and their spouses.
And I see now how it is in striving for this quality that my adult children (and their spouses), and my husband and I have been growing closer over the past few years.
I am very much an introvert, and since we have moved around so much, it has often been difficult for me to make friends. Recently I have made two new friends, and although our friendships began to develop prior to my starting the experiment, I recognize that it was our ability to open our hearts to God, and to each other, that allowed the friendships to flower so quickly, and thus bless my life in ways that only God knew I needed to be blessed.
July 7th, 2006 11:16
Eric,
NO apologies needed! (Incidentally, I’m SUCH a Charlie Brown fan….)
I suppose my attempt at humor might sometimes need an explanation, too. I was trying to joke around back atcha.
July 10th, 2006 15:19
This has been difficult for me but I have really tried to make this work. With my ups and downs in the week I have noticed a difference in how I feel inside. If I concentrate on my heart I become less depressed and more open inside. The hard part has been to remember to do this daily and work on breaking down those bounderies that I have up.