I’ve had countless experiences where I feel myself begin to ‘pull back’ (my heart kind of shrinking and closing, and actually ‘pulling back’). Sometimes, I’ve been able to take a breath and consciously bloom it out again, but sometimes i just accept that I’m ‘closed’ for the time being.

I’m having trouble with feeling guilty afterwards when I do that. I need to keep that in check because, well, guilt is never a good motivator; it just plays too easily into the adversary’s hands. I need to remind myself that I am a novice at this, and that like anything, it takes practice. It can be hard. I’d much rather be good at it, y’know?

There are the times, though that I do keep it open, or open it back up, and it’s hard to describe but it feels really good. Sometimes I see that good reflected in the face of the person I’m talking to, and sometimes I don’t, but either way I feel good in me that I did it. I guess that’s the trick, knowing that I did my best regardless of how it was received.

I know I’m too hooked on external validation, and so focusing on my own internal functioning, independent of others’ responses is something wholly new, and a little unsteady for me. It’s especially hard, given where I am in life right now. So much of my primary ‘role’ to fill is based on meeting others’ needs. So, it can be hard to detatch my sense of success/failure from others’ behavior in my interactions, but really, on this one I need to just remember that it’s about me and my state. Sure, when I see that openness and love spread, it’s a cause to rejoice, but when someone else chooses not to take it, well, that is their choice, I still rejoice in my offering of it.

I have not much made this experiment a matter of prayer, and seeing Michelle’s comment up there makes me realize that I should. I’ll work on that.

I’ll just keep breathing and blooming in the meantime.

I do understand about what Michelle says about not feeling good making it hard to open your heart, especially to your family. I was sick for a couple of weeks and add tiredness (from a baby) to that and I had a real difficult time opening my heart. I could feel it close at times, but felt too worn out to try and change.

I did feel positive about my visitor. Opening my heart to her helped good feelings happen.

I think the experiment just came at a time when I was more prone to a closed heart…I had a few weeks where I felt not-so-good (I have some chronic fatiguey health problems that can weigh on me — sometimes more than others). That, I have found, is one of my worst triggers for closing my heart. It takes extra, extra effort for me to open up at those times.

I also have found, sadly, that it’s a lot easier to open my heart to people I don’t know very well. In fact, I have found a correlation between the degree to which I know someone (esp. family) and the degree to which I close my heart. This is something discussed in the book, and I suppose if I think about things from the adversary’s point of view, he probably cares less about how I treat the person at the supermarket than about how I treat my family. So that is something I really need to work on.

I also have a harder time opening up when there isn’t a reciprocal response. Even with strangers, that is the case. Numerous times, I have said a simple hello or something to a stranger, and get a cold shoulder. And then I feel bugged. Obviously, at those times, I’m not letting the blessings of the experiment penetrate enough…one of the things brought out in the book is that the experiment can bless us regardless of other people’s responses. That has been true for me when I have opened up regardless of the response — and stayed open even after a closed response. So that is something else I want to work on.

I absolutely love this concept, and believe so deeply in the principles upon which the experiment is based. I look forward to keeping this in my consciousness through this discussion and “reporting” system on Roxcy. I suppose I should make it more a matter of prayer as well — really asking for help to have my heart changed. After all, we are told to pray for charity, right?

http://ethesis.blogspot.com/2006/07/inventories-healing-your-heart.html

I’ve really enjoyed this post. Thank you.