Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Part 1
My husband recently had a discussion with a friend (I’ll call him Jerry) who is a bishop in a young single adult ward. Trying to make conversation, my hubby asked Jerry about his calling. Imagine my spouse’s shock when Jerry told him that, at any given time, there are about 50 to 75 young adults in his ward who have committed serious sexual sins. Suppose the ward has about 200 members and…well, you do the math. Jerry has delegated everything possible to his counselors so he can dedicate his time to counseling — to try help these young people deal with the fallout of their choices and avoid such pitfalls in the future.
While still trying to catch his breath from these sad statistics, my husband asked a natural follow-up question: What do you think is driving such a high percentage of young adults to break the law of chastity?
(This is the end of Part 1. What do you think Jerry’s answer was? In Part 2, I will finish the story and introduce my “Therefore, what?”** thoughts for discussion.)
**”President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and himself a master teacher, has a question he often asks when we have made a presentation or given some sort of exhortation to one another in the Twelve. He looks up as if to say, ‘Are you through?’ and then says to the speaker (and, by implication, to the rest of the group), ‘Therefore, what?’
“’Therefore, what?’ I think that is what the Savior answered day in and day out as an inseparable element of His teaching and preaching. His sermons and exhortations were to no avail if the actual lives of His disciples did not change.”
(Jeffrey R. Holland, “Teaching, Preaching, Healing,” Ensign, Jan. 2003, 33)
July 21st, 2006 19:18
There are lots of factos I’m sure, including being surrounded by a culture that pushes sex as the be-all and end-all of everything. Temptation of the forbidden, natural hormones and the simple, human desire to be liked, to not be considered “other” all come in to play in various levels.
I think the largest factor may be this: In our busy, computer-oriented society, the chances to really, actually connect with people face-to-face seem rare. It’s like there’s a little bubble of space around us that other people don’t/won’t/can’t get through. Touch has been proven necessary to the human body and psyche; orphaned infants who are never held, cuddled and cossetted will just turn to the wall and give up. So when we are dating someone, in our need for connectivity our barriers are broached faster than they might otherwise be. Or perhaps the broaching of the barriers and the connecting feels so much more momentous because of the rarity. Either way, people hungry for touch and emotional connection might fall down (or even hurry down) that slippery-slope in their eagerness.
July 22nd, 2006 06:20
My response to part 1:
It isn’t surprising to me to hear that 25-30% of people in a singles ward struggle with the law of chastity. If anything, that percentage is unusually low, compared to the their peers in society at large. I’m glad that those 50-75 people have made contact with their bishop and are trying to repent.
I hope I don’t sound cynical or defeatist, I’m just trying to maintain context. Among our puritan ancestors, about 1/3 of babies were conceived out of wedlock. I once saw a copy of a letter a bishop in cache valley wrote to Brigham Young, asking for advice. The bishop was concerned about the young people in his flock who were spending their time watching horse races, drinking hard cider, and making babies. I was struck that we are still fighting the same battles today. Our lessons to the youth usually include strong exhortations about 1)word of wisdom, 2)entertainment choices, and 3)chastity.
July 22nd, 2006 12:52
I guess it sounds like a lot. Maybe it depends on how long the bishop keeps them coming back for counseling. The number isn’t how many are sinning right now, but how many are repenting and counseling with the bishop. I would imagine some people struggle with not committing the sin again, and some people it was more of a one time thing.
We also don’t have a list as to what the bishop is counting as serious sexual sin.
Even in a young adult singles ward you have people who are struggling with their testimony (or apathetic about it) and aren’t wholly committed to living the commandments but are there for more social aspects of church. Or you have people who have been abused, or struggle with depression, or have other risk factors that make it more likely to engage in certain behavior. And some of them are probably couples who are in love and aren’t perfect.
July 22nd, 2006 13:21
We also don’t have a list as to what the bishop is counting as serious sexual sin.
Basically this is fornication and adultery (sexual relations with someone who is married) and I think perhaps some homosexual sin, but I think mostly the other two.
Thanks to all of your thoughts. I appreciate hearing what you have to say. Clearly there is never one thing that contributes to this kind of problem.
July 23rd, 2006 18:26
Didn’t realize it was quite so intense, but it is terribly lonely to be older and single. I was only 29 when I was married, but I remember it being very hard.
July 23rd, 2006 20:56
Yes, I know. I was also in my upper 20s and my husband in early 30s when we married. Hard indeed.
July 27th, 2006 14:35
My husband was in a college ward bishopric and he said that was really a problem. He became very watchful of our teenage daughter.
August 3rd, 2006 08:28
When do we get to read part 2?
August 3rd, 2006 20:20
Mary and everyone…
I’m on vacation, hence the delay…I wanted to do part 2 last week, but vacation prep took over. I will get it up when I get home. Sorry for the delay!
August 6th, 2006 17:49
[…] In Part 1 of “Looking for Love…”, I shared part of a conversation my husband had with a bishop of a young single adult ward (whom I am calling Jerry). Jerry spends most of his time counseling those who have broken the law of chastity. (He was actually warned beforehand that he would do little else as a bishop of this ward.) […]