Line upon Line vs. Lightning Bolts
I have often compared my testimony to a bucket being filled a drop at a time. I have never really had a once-in-a-lifetime “I know it is true” epiphany — yet, I know with an unshakable assurance that the gospel is true. Drops are added to my bucket with every experience I have with the Spirit. Most of those experiences are simple: A talk or a lesson touches me; I’m moved by a hymn; I gain a new insight while reading my scriptures. Nearly thirty years of such experiences have left me with a testimony that is my most prized possession.
When I was young, however, I was bothered at times that I had no special, one-time experience that I thought I needed to be able to say I really knew the Church is true. I think I was especially bothered that I had gone through the “steps” of “Moroni’s promise” (read, ponder, and pray) and not “received an answer” (as if, perhaps, it was something to accomplish, some concrete event to check off my list). After all, some people did have such experiences — and, I confess, I envied them. (I confess that sometimes I still do!)
How I wish I would have President Packer’s words to help me realize that answers often come in simple, subtle ways:
When I first read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover, I read the promise that if I “would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if [the things I had read were] true; and if [I would] ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he [would] manifest the truth of it unto [me], by the power of the Holy Ghost” (Moro. 10:4). I tried to follow those instructions, as I understood them.
If I expected a glorious manifestation to come at once as an overpowering experience, it did not happen. Nevertheless, it felt good, and I began to believe.
(Boyd K. Packer, “The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ — Plain and Precious Things,” Ensign, May 2005, 6)
My young heart would have appreciated knowing that I was in good company — one of the Lord’s apostles hadn’t had a lightning-bolt experience when he first embarked on his spiritual journey, either!
He continues:
My experience has been that a testimony does not burst upon us suddenly. Rather it grows, as Alma said, from a seed of faith. “It will strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow” (Alma 32:30). If you nourish it, it will grow; and if you do not nourish it, it will wither (see Alma 32:37–41).
Do not be disappointed if you have read and reread and yet have not received a powerful witness. You may be somewhat like the disciples spoken of in the Book of Mormon who were filled with the power of God in great glory “and they knew it not” (3 Ne. 9:20).
Isn’t there something in these words that might help my now-adult heart, too? Is it possible that sometimes I expect an answer too soon, or in a way that is too dramatic? Is it possible that sometimes I have received an answer, but simply don’t recognize how the Spirit is speaking to me?
Don’t we all at times struggle, feeling that perhaps we aren’t receiving the answers we seek in the way we want them? Perhaps we second-guess answers we have already received because of trials or doctrinal doubts or conflicting voices that pound around us — all making it hard to remember and hear and feel the Spirit’s sweet peace.
I feel President Packer inviting us to hold on at times like that. I think his words apply not only to those desiring a testimony of the Book of Mormon, but to anyone who just desperately needs an answer. I hear him pleading with us to press forward in faith. Perhaps these are times we might benefit from the counsel President Packer was given. He relates:
We once had a major decision to make. When our prayers left us uncertain, I went to see Elder Harold B. Lee. He counseled us to proceed. Sensing that I was still very unsettled, he said, “The problem with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.” Then he quoted this verse from the Book of Mormon, “Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6).
He added, “You must learn to walk a few steps ahead into the darkness, and then the light will turn on and go before you.” That was a life-changing experience….
When we face those moments of doubt or despair, let us press forward in faith. Let us remember what the Spirit has felt like in the past, and hope for that feeling in the future. Let us also remember that answers often distill slowly, as insights come and things in our lives fall into place or just “feel good.”
The older I get, the more grateful I am for the fact that truth usually doesn’t come in the form of spiritual lightning bolts. The line-upon-line, drop-by-drop nature of the process keeps me seeking and searching and feeling — and, in turn (and, sometimes, in time) being filled with deliciously sweet light, joy, and peace.
July 27th, 2006 06:09
My testimony has also been filled drop by drop, no lightning bolts for me. I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who gains a testimony this way. As a youth I think I would have appreciated being taught this. When my husband and I got married I had great anxieties because I could not get a “lightning bolt” answer. I realized (with someone’s very good counsel) that not everyone will get a lightning bolt, and that I knew because of feelings that had witnessed to me over time, and that Heavenly Father would allow me to decide and then make it work.
July 27th, 2006 11:17
My dad was a convert and my mother had had a spiritual experience that converted her as a teenager. So, I grew up expecting to get my own lightning bolt someday (after lots praying and reading scriptures and a big dose of angst, you know what I mean). I didn’t want to be one of those people who was just borrowing their parent’s testimony.
At age 17 I guess I did get my tiny lightning bolt. God told me that I knew the church was truly already, and had always known it.
The gift had already been given but I had failed to realize it, since it had always been a part of me.
July 27th, 2006 13:55
Shhhhhh! Don’t let people know that Elder Packer has worthwhile, apostolic guidance to give, or they’ll kick you out of the Bloggernacle!
July 27th, 2006 14:19
This is a great lesson. And yes, BKP can be quite inspiring to many of us.
I also am largly the product of a lot of little drips. So now I’m a big (or bigger) drip than I used to be. I have had two experiences that I would consider somewhat in the lightning bolt category. One had to do with repentance, one was a dream. But otherwise little by little.
July 27th, 2006 21:00
Karen, JKS, and Eric, thanks for your comments. (Eric, your play on the word drip made me smile, although I don’t think you are a drip!)
Queuno, I guess I’ll have to say “kick away.” I LOVE President Packer. I always have.
July 29th, 2006 08:18
I thought I was one of those who always knew the Church was true, but then as a teenager I fell prey to the temptation of pride, and went through what I now refer to as “my atheist phase.”
Even though I felt that religion was fine for those who were too weak to live a moral life without a crutch, something inside me was still drawn to the truths of the Gospel. I kept attending church, reading the Book of Mormon, and praying that if God existed, I could somehow have one of those “lightning bolt” experiences to let me know. When my testimony finally came, it was really more of a deep, peaceful, light-filled awareness that, yes, it was all true.
Interestingly enough, when I was praying to know if the man I had recently met was the man I should marry, the assurance that he was came in a similar way. One day, as I began my personal morning prayer, and was launching into my supplication to know if I should marry X, I realized that I didn’t need to ask that question anymore. The answer was aleady a part of me, and it was, “Yes.” All my doubts and concerns about that issue had somehow been replaced in my mind and heart with a deep feeling of peace. Once again, I just knew; but that knowledge has been reinforced by the drip, drip of thousands of subsequent experiences.
Over forty years later, I understand how right that marriage decision was–for both of us. Not that we “lived happily ever after” without any work or struggle on our part. We definitely had mostly fabulous ups; but we also had some so-so middles, and one serious down over the years. However, we have had a tremendous amount of fun along the way. And the Lord helped us to keep our covenants, and to overcome every challenge and trial to lead us to a place in our older years where we find great joy in our relationship.
Whether our realization that we have a testimony comes as a result of gradual, or sudden experiences with God, I think we can only retain that testimony if we are constantly nourishing it with actions that will keep that “drop-by-drop” process going.
August 1st, 2006 10:35
“God told me that I knew the church was truly already, and had always known it.”
Reminds me of Oliver and God saying “remember the witness I gave you … ”
This was a wonderful essay, thank you.