Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Part 2
(Sorry this has been so long in coming. I’m now back from vacation (sigh) and I am anxious to get this posted.)
In Part 1 of this little series, I shared part of a conversation my husband had with a bishop of a young single adult ward (whom I am calling Jerry). Jerry spends most of his time counseling those who have broken the law of chastity. (He was actually warned beforehand that he would do little else as a bishop of this ward.)
Not only was I struck by how many people in his ward had succumbed to sexual sin, but I was also stunned to hear Jerry’s answer to my husband’s question (which is where we left off in Part 1): “What do you think is driving such a high percentage of young adults to break the law of chastity?” Jerry shared the common thread he sees saw in most of the situations: Most have come from broken homes and have turned to sexual relationships to fill a need for love and acceptance.
Now, the purpose of this article is not to heap guilt on already-wounded souls who have experienced divorce, nor to discuss divorce per se. We all know that divorce is a problem in our society and in the Church, but we also know that children of married parents are not in any way immune from challenges and sin. And we all know there are many children of divorced parents who thrive. Moreover, this one bishop’s experience is certainly not a scientifically sound study. Assuredly, as even the few comments in Part 1 demonstrate, there are several factors that can come into play when it comes to sexual sin. No one thing can be blamed. And let’s not forget that agency is a key factor, regardless of the curve balls that life may throw.
All of that said, I was still taken aback by this bishop’s response, particularly because there was no mention of our sex-laden society or the problem of pornography or other directly-related-to-sex factor. While surely the prevalence of sex in our culture contributes to rampant immorality (both in and out of the Church), Jerry’s observations remind us that often immorality is not about wanting sex, it’s about wanting love. That’s really not anything new, but it gave me pause nonetheless. How sad that there is such a hole in these individuals’ lives (whatever the cause) that they seek love, acceptance, security, and reinforcement through illicit sexual relationships. Equating extramarital sex with love is one of the adversary’s cunning counterfeits.
Jerry’s observations got me thinking, and I wanted to think with you. I’d like to explore two things here:
1) What are some situations (in addition to divorce) that can put a young person at risk for “looking for love in all the wrong places”? Some examples might be death of a parent (which was something else Jerry mentioned), abuse, hidden contention and stress at home, peer troubles, illness or handicaps (physical, mental, or emotional), inactivity of family members…. My hope is to raise awareness of such risk factors so we can all be sensitive to those who might need a little extra TLC.
2) What might we be able to do–as parents, relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, and brothers and sisters in the gospel–to help those with holes in their hearts and lives find love in the right places (or to help prevent holes in the first place)? Following are some ideas I have had:
- We can develop–and share–our own testimonies of God’s love for us and of our eternal worth.
- We can practice and exemplify looking first to God for love and support, not to external sources for reinforcement and approval.
- We can be aware of those who might be “at risk” because of difficult situations in their lives. We can open our hearts to those around us who have such challenges. (This isn’t always easy, because sometimes such people can be harder to love.)
- We can do all within our power (while seeking for heaven’s help) to make our homes places of love, security, and peace, where the Spirit can dwell and fill the hearts of those in our families.
- If we are married, we can do all within our power to nurture and strengthen our marriages.
- If we have children, we can nurture, love, and teach them.
- We can use the Proclamation to the World on the Family as a guide in all of our family-related efforts.
- We can find ways to strengthen others’ marriages. That may sound like a weird concept, but this article has some interesting ideas. (The same author shares some related thoughts here as well.)
- We can teach doctrine about the sacred nature of marital intimacy and the importance of chastity. We should focus less on behavioral teachings (e.g., dos and don’ts) and more on the doctrine. “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior” (Boyd K. Packer, “Do Not Fear,” Ensign, May 2004, 77). (This is something I would like to explore in a future article (Part 3?).)
- We can teach and reinforce the principles of agency and accountability. As we do, we can teach and testify of the Atonement as well–always focusing, however, on the blessings that come from obedience to God’s commandments. After all, repentance is indeed possible, but it is painful. It’s a lot easier to be obedient.
What are your thoughts? What life situations and challenges might put someone at risk for insecurities and a holey heart that might lead to a desire to look for love in empty ways? What can we do to help people look for–and find–love in the right places?
In addition, what helps you feel God’s love in your life? What do you do to nurture your marriage, your children, and others around you?
August 6th, 2006 18:21
I have to say that I’ve had that song, “Looking for Love…” in my head a lot the past couple of days….
August 6th, 2006 19:21
I think the answer is obvious. These are single ADULTS who have needs and passions just like married people their age. Singles are not just inanimate toys whose sex drive activate the minute they get married. So a lot of them screw up. big whoop. Try staying celibate until 30 or 40 and then write another post. It isnt rocket science.
August 6th, 2006 21:36
Sorry, I don’t think it’s as sinister as that. People just want to be close; they want to have sex and they don’t happen to be married. They’re adults, not children or toys. The older these singles get, the more of a likelihood there will be that they will have sex–not because they’re evil, but because they’re human.
How many 50 year old virgins do you know? Not many? Well, it’s because they either get married, have sex and then get married, have sex, get married and then get divorced, or just have sex. Very few people can just glue their knees together. It’s not rocket science. And it’s not because people are evil. It’s just life.
August 7th, 2006 08:50
My mom walked right out of my family when I was seven years old, and things were never the same again. I grew up doing exactly what Jerry describes here–to a disturbing degree. In the end, I am happily married, but my teenage/young adult years were tumultuous and painful to a degree that they did not need to be, as they involved so much sexual activity.
To toss out another buzzword that helps draw the parallel between what people get from a strong, functional family, and what they end up lacking if their family falls apart, that they also happen to be able to get in sex–it’s validation. It’s a level of approval that, if not had from a safe place of trust and love (such as the family), leaves one feeling desperately alone and cut adrift in the world. We learne to value ourselves (as children of God, with divine potential of our own) from how we are treated by those closest to us–our families. When the family fails to offer us that acceptance/approval/validation/reinforcement of a sense of our own worth, we go looking for it. I know that I did. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing, but again and again, I sold myself short just to know that I was good enough that someone wanted to be that near to me.
The idea that it’s ‘not allowed’ only heightens the level of validation from the encounter. ‘They like me enough to do this with me even though we’re not supposed to!’ is what it says to one’s wounded heart–at least, to mine.
So, yeah, my life experience mirrors Jerry’s observation in his ward. It’s a wounded, wounded world we live in, and it’s not just confined to children of divorce. There were kids of married parents who alientated their kids for any number of reasons that were right there with me.
The answer is to value your children–to teach them of their worth, show it in your eyes and be genuine and vocal with your approval, to treat them like the sons and daughters of Heaven that they are. When they see it for real in your eyes, it will be branded for real in their hearts.
Modern society hinges on low self-esteem; it is vital to the economy. If we are not uncertain of ourselves, we have no need to buy stuff to fix ourselves or make ourselves feel better. Movies, tv, advertisements, magazines, are all the products of minds swallowed whole by that mindset, and therefore reflect and perpetuate it. So, in valuing your children, never forget that there’s a society out there working against your efforts all the time.
Show them their value, and they will not need to seek validation elsewhere.
From the young women’s values and the Relief Society declaration, we get the words that we are divine spirit children of God. Help your daughters (and yourselves!!) to really get this, and that’s it–the brass ring of parenting. Help them to know their worth. Know yours, and show them theirs.
August 7th, 2006 10:47
I’m going to work backwards here on the comments so far.
Naiah,
Wow. Yes. Thank you. You have brought something invaluable to this discussion by opening up and sharing your personal experiences, and for that I am extremely grateful. V
I sensed there was a concept missing, when I wrote the article, and you filled it in for me — thank you for adding “validation” to the list of what many seek in sexual relationships.
Your observations about how society and its economy thrive on low self-esteem are very profound. I think this is often true of emotional economies as well.
I love what you said about letting our children see our love in our eyes. I remember Maya Angelou talking about what children see in our face when they walk into the room. Do our faces noticeably light up? That is something I have tried to be extra conscious of. Even if I’m feeling sluggish or whatever, when my children walk into the room, I try to light up to let them know that they are lights in my life. I really like concrete things like that that I can do that work.
Angela,
I realize that the need to be close is real and strong, but the assumption of this article is that the law of chastity is key to happiness. Sexuality without marital commitment provides a false promise of fulfillment for the needs people have. That is the premis upon which this article is built.
Also, although I can sympathize with those who are single and older (and empathize a little from my own years of single celibacy), this article was particularly about young single adults under 30 and about addressing specific problems that might help prevent immorality in this age group.
Martha,
I WAS single until my later 20s (and my husband was in his early 30s), so I am not unaware of the challenges of staying chaste with real, strong, powerful needs and drives. It was something that was very difficult. But not impossible. Indeed (and again), the assumption is that chastity is necessary for true happiness. Sexuality in and of itself won’t and can’t offer what people really need and want. That is an important premis of this article. If that is something with which you don’t agree, then perhaps this discussion won’t float your boat.
August 7th, 2006 18:16
From what I’ve seen, abuse is definitely a major factor. It creates that hole and almost always warps the understanding of physical, sexual and emotional intimacy for the victim. (Abusers have to have incredibly skewed concepts in place, or else they wouldn’t be perpetrators). This fits right in with Naiah’s description of low self-esteem. Having a relationship open enough for children to come us with any problems or questions they have is a powerful tool indeed.
Martha and Angela’s comments definitely make the point that not everyone sees the Church’s teachings as a rule without exceptions, likely resulting from the societal saturation you referenced. The validity of the law of chastity is not the purpose of this discussion but appears to be another factor in some cases.
It’s a given from *our* perspective about the best way being the Lord’s plan for sexual expression within marriage, yet the idea persists that as long as one is in love that’s what really matters (ie, committed relationships better than one-nighters).
I’m not of the opinion that we should opt against specifics in favor of general doctrinal teachings about chastity–I believe both are important and necessary. The boiling frog analogy holds some water (ha!) in being able to separate appropriate pre-marriage behavior from that which would do us harm. Also I think the examples of persons who believe that only certain acts would violate the law of chastity, or castigate themselves as horrible sinners for having sexual thoughts in the first place, demonstrate a need for healthy teachings (primarily from parents). The True to the Faith gospel reference book contains both behavioral and doctrinal admonitions under the topic of chastity.
[I would point to the rise in marital intimacy books on the LDS market as a signal that specific teachings are needed to avoid misunderstanding this beautiful and sacred gift from God for a husband and wife–that’s not really the subject of this thread though]
On the subject of repentance, I would add the reminder that Satan will try to say that once we’ve crossed a line we’re too far gone and might as well stay there, unworthy or unable to access the Atonement. Falling hurts, but staying down hurts more. Going to the Bishop is a step in the right direction.
August 7th, 2006 20:48
47 - LDS - never married - virgin. It hasn’t always been easy, and I’m not sure I’m entirely healthy because I’m admittedly lonely and shed a lot of tears, despite trying my best to make a meaningful and faithful life, and not whine about loneliness in public. I wouldn’t whine about it here, either, except to establish my bona fides. Having kept the law of chastity isn’t for lack of interest or opportunity to break it, either.
I remember a talk by Sheri Dew, patron saint of all us aging virgins , where she listed some of the positive results of keeping the law of chastity: Never having spent a single moment worried about STDs or unwanted pregnancy, never wondering whether someone really loved her or was just using her, that kind of thing. Those things may be worded in the negative, but they are very powerful and positive blessings: we have enough to worry about without having the additional burdens that would come from knowingly violating what we know to be God’s law. It’s hard to believe that physical intimacy could be satisfactory, knowing that the mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy would be lacking.
I suppose this comment is addressed far more to earlier comments than to the gist of the post. I don’t know what makes other people look for love in the wrong places — I only know what has kept me from falling to those pressures.
August 7th, 2006 23:08
AEP,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I think you have added a wonderful perspective, especially in response to the earlier comments, but also to the concept of the law of chastity, which is an important underpinning of the article. I want to find a link to that talk (from Sheri Dew); it was a good one!
Téa, thank you for your comments. I agree that abuse is a huge factor in people looking for love in the wrong way. I also appreciate your thoughts on doctrinal understanding about marital intimacy and repentance. These are all critical things to focus on and teach and reinforce — and then reinforce again.
As for doctrine vs. specifics, let me clarify what I mean. I agree with you that we can’t just teach just general things like “sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage” and expect that to do the job. I agree that we need to be clear about boundaries and such. The problem I have seen with specifics, however, is that sometimes they can be dangerous as well. I had a bishop who gave a boundary that left too much room for trouble, because the boundary he gave could still lead to problems. Another bishop listed specific “don’ts” that felt more puzzling to me, because they weren’t high on the list (at least for me) of problematic behavior. I hear far too many young adults who talk about “making out” like that is nothing to be worried about because, after all, they aren’t having sex. For each person, the specific checklist of don’ts (minus obvious ones) is going to be different, because different things create arousal for people, and at different rates. (I remember a bishop telling our young women that they can be slow dancing close with a guy and be simply enjoying the dance, while the guy has already gone from 0 to 100 and is thinking about…well, you know what I mean. Differences aren’t just between genders, either. I think every person has certain things that are more arousing than others. That makes checklists difficult, ya know?)
An example of the doctrine I am thinking about is to teach about how the emotions and intense feelings that draw men and women together physically are sacred — not just the sex act itself. Our leaders are focusing on this more specifically than I ever remember it talked about when I was a youth and young adult. I find this much more helpful than lists of specific don’ts alone. (I wonder if perhaps we are thinking more similarly than not, just maybe saying it differently.)
I think the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet entry on chastity gives some very clear guidelines that I don’t remember having as a youth. I think it gets more to the heart of the matter. The focus is on sexual relations but also on things that stir sexual emotions that could lead to a full violation of the law of chastity. Also, if young people really understand that the feelings themselves are God-given, they can perhaps come to realize that they don’t need to feel guilty for having them, just for feeding them.
I really want to write s’more about some of what has spurred me to focus on the doctrinal side so much…will probably share more of that later. There is much more to add to this, but it will have to wait for another article, I think. Thanks again for your thoughts on that topic, Téa. Sorry for waxing longwinded in my response.
“Falling hurts, but staying down hurts more. Going to the Bishop is a step in the right direction.”
Yes! I guess we can be happy at least that those in Jerry’s ward who have committed sin are going to their bishop for help, counsel, and help repenting. (I can’t help but worry there are some who aren’t.) The adversary will try to get us any way he can, and trying to keep us down is a huge way he can keep us in his grasp. Repentance truly is beautiful doctrine when it’s needed.
Please keep your thoughts coming, everyone!
August 27th, 2006 18:00
Just preaching doctrine and saying, “Observe the law of chastity” won’t work. I think that the gospel is, above all, the Gospel of LOVE. If the parents are unable to provide it, someone else needs to build a child’s self esteem and him or her love.
In my case, I was fortunate to find a truly loving ward family when I moved to California. They made me feel SO loved and appreciated. Because of that, I wanted to go to church. Attending meetings, choir practice and MIA activities helped me stay away from terrible conditions at home. I had a mother who suffered from depression and thought that the less I knew the better. I had to run from an alcoholic stepfather who was alway looking at and lusting after me.
I met a young sailor at church. We dated some and wrote letters when he was away. After he returned from sea duty, he asked me to marry him. It wasn’t always easy, but I married as a virgin. The loving people of that ward deserve the most credit. It was because of them that my life turned out as well as it did.
August 27th, 2006 20:16
Mariah,
Thank you for being willing to share your experiences with us. What a reminder of the power of love!