In my case, I was fortunate to find a truly loving ward family when I moved to California. They made me feel SO loved and appreciated. Because of that, I wanted to go to church. Attending meetings, choir practice and MIA activities helped me stay away from terrible conditions at home. I had a mother who suffered from depression and thought that the less I knew the better. I had to run from an alcoholic stepfather who was alway looking at and lusting after me.

I met a young sailor at church. We dated some and wrote letters when he was away. After he returned from sea duty, he asked me to marry him. It wasn’t always easy, but I married as a virgin. The loving people of that ward deserve the most credit. It was because of them that my life turned out as well as it did.

Téa, thank you for your comments. I agree that abuse is a huge factor in people looking for love in the wrong way. I also appreciate your thoughts on doctrinal understanding about marital intimacy and repentance. These are all critical things to focus on and teach and reinforce — and then reinforce again.

As for doctrine vs. specifics, let me clarify what I mean. I agree with you that we can’t just teach just general things like “sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage” and expect that to do the job. I agree that we need to be clear about boundaries and such. The problem I have seen with specifics, however, is that sometimes they can be dangerous as well. I had a bishop who gave a boundary that left too much room for trouble, because the boundary he gave could still lead to problems. Another bishop listed specific “don’ts” that felt more puzzling to me, because they weren’t high on the list (at least for me) of problematic behavior. I hear far too many young adults who talk about “making out” like that is nothing to be worried about because, after all, they aren’t having sex. For each person, the specific checklist of don’ts (minus obvious ones) is going to be different, because different things create arousal for people, and at different rates. (I remember a bishop telling our young women that they can be slow dancing close with a guy and be simply enjoying the dance, while the guy has already gone from 0 to 100 and is thinking about…well, you know what I mean. Differences aren’t just between genders, either. I think every person has certain things that are more arousing than others. That makes checklists difficult, ya know?)

An example of the doctrine I am thinking about is to teach about how the emotions and intense feelings that draw men and women together physically are sacred — not just the sex act itself. Our leaders are focusing on this more specifically than I ever remember it talked about when I was a youth and young adult. I find this much more helpful than lists of specific don’ts alone. (I wonder if perhaps we are thinking more similarly than not, just maybe saying it differently.)

I think the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet entry on chastity gives some very clear guidelines that I don’t remember having as a youth. I think it gets more to the heart of the matter. The focus is on sexual relations but also on things that stir sexual emotions that could lead to a full violation of the law of chastity. Also, if young people really understand that the feelings themselves are God-given, they can perhaps come to realize that they don’t need to feel guilty for having them, just for feeding them.

I really want to write s’more about some of what has spurred me to focus on the doctrinal side so much…will probably share more of that later. There is much more to add to this, but it will have to wait for another article, I think. Thanks again for your thoughts on that topic, Téa. Sorry for waxing longwinded in my response.

“Falling hurts, but staying down hurts more. Going to the Bishop is a step in the right direction.”
Yes! I guess we can be happy at least that those in Jerry’s ward who have committed sin are going to their bishop for help, counsel, and help repenting. (I can’t help but worry there are some who aren’t.) The adversary will try to get us any way he can, and trying to keep us down is a huge way he can keep us in his grasp. Repentance truly is beautiful doctrine when it’s needed.

Please keep your thoughts coming, everyone!

I remember a talk by Sheri Dew, patron saint of all us aging virgins , where she listed some of the positive results of keeping the law of chastity: Never having spent a single moment worried about STDs or unwanted pregnancy, never wondering whether someone really loved her or was just using her, that kind of thing. Those things may be worded in the negative, but they are very powerful and positive blessings: we have enough to worry about without having the additional burdens that would come from knowingly violating what we know to be God’s law. It’s hard to believe that physical intimacy could be satisfactory, knowing that the mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy would be lacking.

I suppose this comment is addressed far more to earlier comments than to the gist of the post. I don’t know what makes other people look for love in the wrong places — I only know what has kept me from falling to those pressures.

Martha and Angela’s comments definitely make the point that not everyone sees the Church’s teachings as a rule without exceptions, likely resulting from the societal saturation you referenced. The validity of the law of chastity is not the purpose of this discussion but appears to be another factor in some cases.

It’s a given from *our* perspective about the best way being the Lord’s plan for sexual expression within marriage, yet the idea persists that as long as one is in love that’s what really matters (ie, committed relationships better than one-nighters).

I’m not of the opinion that we should opt against specifics in favor of general doctrinal teachings about chastity–I believe both are important and necessary. The boiling frog analogy holds some water (ha!) in being able to separate appropriate pre-marriage behavior from that which would do us harm. Also I think the examples of persons who believe that only certain acts would violate the law of chastity, or castigate themselves as horrible sinners for having sexual thoughts in the first place, demonstrate a need for healthy teachings (primarily from parents). The True to the Faith gospel reference book contains both behavioral and doctrinal admonitions under the topic of chastity.

[I would point to the rise in marital intimacy books on the LDS market as a signal that specific teachings are needed to avoid misunderstanding this beautiful and sacred gift from God for a husband and wife–that’s not really the subject of this thread though]

On the subject of repentance, I would add the reminder that Satan will try to say that once we’ve crossed a line we’re too far gone and might as well stay there, unworthy or unable to access the Atonement. Falling hurts, but staying down hurts more. Going to the Bishop is a step in the right direction.

Naiah,
Wow. Yes. Thank you. You have brought something invaluable to this discussion by opening up and sharing your personal experiences, and for that I am extremely grateful. V
I sensed there was a concept missing, when I wrote the article, and you filled it in for me — thank you for adding “validation” to the list of what many seek in sexual relationships.
Your observations about how society and its economy thrive on low self-esteem are very profound. I think this is often true of emotional economies as well.
I love what you said about letting our children see our love in our eyes. I remember Maya Angelou talking about what children see in our face when they walk into the room. Do our faces noticeably light up? That is something I have tried to be extra conscious of. Even if I’m feeling sluggish or whatever, when my children walk into the room, I try to light up to let them know that they are lights in my life. I really like concrete things like that that I can do that work.

Angela,
I realize that the need to be close is real and strong, but the assumption of this article is that the law of chastity is key to happiness. Sexuality without marital commitment provides a false promise of fulfillment for the needs people have. That is the premis upon which this article is built.
Also, although I can sympathize with those who are single and older (and empathize a little from my own years of single celibacy), this article was particularly about young single adults under 30 and about addressing specific problems that might help prevent immorality in this age group.

Martha,
I WAS single until my later 20s (and my husband was in his early 30s), so I am not unaware of the challenges of staying chaste with real, strong, powerful needs and drives. It was something that was very difficult. But not impossible. Indeed (and again), the assumption is that chastity is necessary for true happiness. Sexuality in and of itself won’t and can’t offer what people really need and want. That is an important premis of this article. If that is something with which you don’t agree, then perhaps this discussion won’t float your boat.

To toss out another buzzword that helps draw the parallel between what people get from a strong, functional family, and what they end up lacking if their family falls apart, that they also happen to be able to get in sex–it’s validation. It’s a level of approval that, if not had from a safe place of trust and love (such as the family), leaves one feeling desperately alone and cut adrift in the world. We learne to value ourselves (as children of God, with divine potential of our own) from how we are treated by those closest to us–our families. When the family fails to offer us that acceptance/approval/validation/reinforcement of a sense of our own worth, we go looking for it. I know that I did. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing, but again and again, I sold myself short just to know that I was good enough that someone wanted to be that near to me.

The idea that it’s ‘not allowed’ only heightens the level of validation from the encounter. ‘They like me enough to do this with me even though we’re not supposed to!’ is what it says to one’s wounded heart–at least, to mine.

So, yeah, my life experience mirrors Jerry’s observation in his ward. It’s a wounded, wounded world we live in, and it’s not just confined to children of divorce. There were kids of married parents who alientated their kids for any number of reasons that were right there with me.

The answer is to value your children–to teach them of their worth, show it in your eyes and be genuine and vocal with your approval, to treat them like the sons and daughters of Heaven that they are. When they see it for real in your eyes, it will be branded for real in their hearts.

Modern society hinges on low self-esteem; it is vital to the economy. If we are not uncertain of ourselves, we have no need to buy stuff to fix ourselves or make ourselves feel better. Movies, tv, advertisements, magazines, are all the products of minds swallowed whole by that mindset, and therefore reflect and perpetuate it. So, in valuing your children, never forget that there’s a society out there working against your efforts all the time.

Show them their value, and they will not need to seek validation elsewhere.

From the young women’s values and the Relief Society declaration, we get the words that we are divine spirit children of God. Help your daughters (and yourselves!!) to really get this, and that’s it–the brass ring of parenting. Help them to know their worth. Know yours, and show them theirs.

How many 50 year old virgins do you know? Not many? Well, it’s because they either get married, have sex and then get married, have sex, get married and then get divorced, or just have sex. Very few people can just glue their knees together. It’s not rocket science. And it’s not because people are evil. It’s just life.