A Prayer of Faith

This was written by Cheryl, one of our guest writers.

Maybe it’s the rain. I usually love rain, but for the last few days, I haven’t liked it so much.

I remind myself that there’s nothing terribly wrong in my life. But the feeling is hard to shake. It almost feels like post-partum depression. It’s not clinical, nor does it stay, but the fleeting moments/hours/days remind me of those first months after #1 was born. I recognize the feeling. I’m preparing for the onslaught come February.

In the meantime, what do I do about it?

Perhaps I wear myself too thin?

No, my busy schedule keeps me from wallowing in it further. I stay prepared for the rush of children coming in and out of my house, keeping it as clean as possible, finishing tasks before I lose the time…

Perhaps my health is wavering?

Possibly. I haven’t exercised in two months. The baby continues to grow well, but my asthma and heart condition have gotten worse. But because I quit exercising, I cannot start again –for the baby’s sake. Eating habits have slid. Weight gain is good (only 7 pounds in the first 5 months), but the fatigue I feel is related to my long-term health problems, rather than to the pregnancy.

Perhaps I am not doing what I should be doing?

That’s pretty correct. Actually, the nail is hit right on the head! Scripture study is low –reduced to family study in the Illustrated Book of Mormon with a few verses of the real thing thrown in. Prayer is short. Several short ones throughout the day, but few long, spoken ones with intense desire. Temple attendance is low –missed last month. Not reading any Relief Society or Sunday School lessons (although I am reading lots of Sharing Time lessons). I justify it in this way: “I’m in Primary and my focus is there. I don’t need to focus on all that Relief Society and Sunday School stuff –I need to be on top of Primary stuff, which is doctrinely simple and correct, but lacking in discovery.” Somehow, I feel justified.

But then again, I don’t.

I recall this scripture: “Fear not to do good, my sons [daughters], for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall reap good for your reward” (D&C 6:33).

What have I sown? What do I sow now? Are the seeds of my testimony really being implanted into my soul? Am I nurturing those seeds with careful study, prayer, and intent? Or am I slowly letting them die? Am I giving them little time and effort and perhaps even pushing them over a bit to let in conflict, arrogance, anger, and worse, apathy? I know that the seed planted in my heart is a “good seed” (see Alma 32:28), and I have no doubt of a foundation of trust, knowledge and belief. But am I letting that foundation crumble, ever so slowly, with my neglect?

The hardest part about all of this is the fact that I know what is going on. I’ve learned about the warning signs and I’ve heard about the importance of maintaining–good word! MAINTAINING–my testimony. What amazes me is how easily Satan can come in to tweak things just a tad. Everything about my life is good. I married in the Temple to a great guy who still holds the Priesthood worthily. I have three beautiful children that give me great joy, and one coming to us soon. We fill our lives with Family Home Evening, church, family, ward/neighborhood activities. We fulfill our callings with respect and anticipation. We do our best to have family prayer morning and night and read the scriptures as a family each night. Most people would see us as a model family. But then Satan is there, prodding with distractions: another great novel, another new show on TV, too much time on the internet. He is there to stir negative reactions to rough-housing children. He is there wiggling is way into my soul any way that he can.

My comfort is knowing that “there is none else save God that knowest (my) thoughts and the intents of (my) heart” (D&C 6:16). My question is: What does He see? Does He know that I try? Does He know that I know what I’m doing wrong? Does He know I want to do better? Well, of course He does!

Perhaps that is the best answer to my own created problem. I do need to try harder because I do know what I’m doing wrong. And even now, as I type this, I know He understands that.

Of course, this all might be preparation for a form of post-partum depression come labor time (which wouldn’t surprise me and leaves room for more to write), but for now, I think the solution is in the simple things: getting my life back on track, focusing less on the distractions and more on the spiritual progression that I so desperately need.

I think I’ll start today.

Cheryl was born to Canadian parents, grew up in Idaho, went to BYU (where she met her husband), graduated in MFHD [Marriage, Family and Human Development] and Music, and stayed in Provo after graduation. She is the mother of three feisty and fun kids, with one on the way. She teaches piano and voice lessons, as well as a small preschool in her home. Currently she’s the Primary President in her ward. Cheryl loves the gospel, loves her family, and she’s happy, even though her life is crazy!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 1st, 2006 at 2:48 pm and is filed under Every Word. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.