A Prayer of Faith

When I met Daniel, I was in love with another man. I was pretty sure I was going to marry this other guy and when my mom practically begged me to give Daniel a chance I remember thinking: “Why bother? I’ve already found my true love.” When that man asked me to marry him and I prayed about his proposal, it became very clear to me that I should not marry the guy that I’d known for 8 years; if Daniel chose to love me, he was the one I should be with and could love forever. I recognized Daniel’s great potential and I knew that together, Daniel and I had the potential to be a powerful force for good in building the kingdom of God.

My own revelation was reinforced by my grandmother who was afflicted with Alzheimer’s. She met Daniel the day that I met him and the first thing she said to me was: “Isn’t it wonderful that you have found your true love? I know what it’s like to be married to my true love for 50 years!” At the time I felt mortified. I didn’t even know Daniel, let alone love him! She had met the guy I was dating multiple times and said nothing of this sort to him! She met Daniel again a few weeks later, on his birthday and said to him: “Isn’t it wonderful that you’ve found the person you’re going to spend the rest of your birthdays with?” It turns out that people with Alzheimer’s can sometimes be quite lucid and inspired. Just last week we celebrated Daniel’s birthday together, the ninth such celebration.

Some of us have not had the opportunity to find an eternal companion. Some of us have divorced and are alone. Some of us are married to people who do not believe as we do. Some of us are married for eternity in the temple, yet we are still unhappy in our relationships. I have many dear friends who have found their expectations of marriage unfulfilled.

For people who never have the opportunity to marry, Elder M. Russell Ballard explains: “Through your faith and personal righteousness in keeping the commandments of the Lord Jesus Christ, you can qualify for all of the blessings our Heavenly Father has promised to His obedient children. Some of you may not have an opportunity in mortality to fulfill every righteous desire of your heart. But you can be certain that no eternal blessing will be denied you if you remain faithful and live the principles of the gospel throughout your earthly life.”

There is also hope for those in challenging marriages. Working with unhappy couples for LDS Family Services has opened my eyes to the myriad things that can go awry in our relationships. But President Spencer W. Kimball said: “While marriage is difficult and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real lasting happiness is possible and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.”

I have always admired my parents’ marriage. They have now been married for 35 years and they still light up when the other one enters the room. What makes their marriage so extraordinary? How do they deal with disagreements and troubles? What is it that makes them so incredibly happy? Their marriage has three characteristics that I think we can apply to any marriage:

1. They are best friends.
2. They express their love and gratitude to each other.
3. They share their spiritual journey and draw spiritual strength from each other.

Eternal marriages are based on true friendships. My parents enjoy each other’s company more than any one else’s. They make time for each other and have developed a relationship worth having forever. I remember them choosing to spend time with each other and forgoing other activities that would separate them or consume the little time that they did have to be together. I feel the same way about spending time with Daniel; the time we get alone is precious and I look forward to just being together.

In John Gottman’s book, “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he says: “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” Couples who are doing well know each other intimately. They know each other’s likes and dislikes; they know each other’s idiosyncrasies. They know each others’ hopes and dreams and aspirations. In Genesis 2:24 it says: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.” When we are married our loyalties belong to our spouse and this begins with a great and powerful friendship.

I worked with a couple who I thought was dangerously close to losing their eternal marriage. The first time I saw them the wife was rolling her eyes, shaking her head, and contradicting everything her husband said. This couple had been married for two decades, and yet they did not seem to know each other any more. It was as if they were strangers or even enemies living parallel lives in the same house, yet never crossing paths. When the wife decided that she could talk to her husband things changed dramatically. All the obvious stressors stayed the same. They still had problems with their children, problems with employment, and personality quirks to work out. Yet just the act of talking about these problems and spending a little time together instead of ignoring each other improved their marriage enough that they both had hope for a future together. The support that they felt just from being friends again helped immensely.

Sometimes we treat our spouses and family members worse than we would treat our neighbors and acquaintances. How do we develop friendships with people outside of the home? Would we have many friends if we treated them the way we sometimes treat our spouses? Instead of taking each other for granted because we know the other person is there forever, we need to treat the person with the care an eternal relationship deserves. In my own marriage I have noticed that when we skip our weekly date or neglect to make time for each other, our friendship suffers and we are not as happy as we are when we take the time to recommit to each other every day.

Elder F. Burton Howard said:

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements; you don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way.

Sometimes life gets in the way of friendship with our spouses. We are busy; we have children and work and church callings and school. These things are important, insomuch as they support the marriage, but nothing comes before the marriage covenant and rekindling friendship can go a long way in repairing any eternal relationship that is languishing.

Not only is friendship important, but expression of love and gratitude are also imperative for an eternal marriage. I remember my parents holding hands, telling each other that they love each other—they are still very affectionate with each other. When people neglect to tell each other that they love and appreciate each other, they sometimes almost forget that they even feel that way. We can not assume that our spouse knows that we love him. Just saying the words “I love you” has a powerful impact on any relationship. It is a quick and easy way to a loved one know he or she is important to you.

Words are powerful, but so are our actions. I just went to a conference where someone said we need to take the golden rule to a higher plane. We need to obey the platinum rule and instead of doing for others as we would have them do for us, we should do for others as they would have us do for them. Many times what we would want from others is not what they would want from us. Learning to be sensitive to people’s differences in personality and backgrounds helps us to show our sincere love and appreciation.

In my work with couples as an LDS Family Services clinician, I have found that couples feel closer when they are willing to tell each other what they are grateful for. Even expressing gratitude for each other in prayers makes a positive impact on how people feel about each other. Granted, when you are discouraged with someone or frustrated, it is not easy to think of let alone say something that you are grateful for—but from personal experience, I know that the moment you do think of something and make yourself say it, that is the moment that the spirit can confirm your love for your spouse and dissipate the anger or frustration that you are feeling. President Kimball said: “Under the influence of the spirit, our sympathy and love for our eternal companions will deepen, and we will come to know happiness and contentment in marriage that the world will never know.”

The most important piece of eternal marriage is God’s role in the marriage. Eternal marriages include God. As we grow closer to Him individually and as a couple, the spirit of the Lord confirms our eternal relationship. Some of my best experiences with Daniel involve bearing our testimonies, singing sacred music together and receiving blessings. Elder F. Burton Howard said: “Eternal marriage is ordained of God. This means that the parties to the marriage covenant agree to invite God into their marriage, to pray together, to keep the commandments. . .”

My great grandparents prayed together for inspiration and received revelation together. They would pray about concerns at night before they went to bed and they would each receive part of a dream that was the answer to their problem. In the morning they would talk about the dreams and put them together to understand what the Lord was telling them. They invited God into their marriage and were blessed with experiences that not only improved their marriage relationship, but also improved their relationship with the Lord. An eternal marriage strengthens our testimonies and strengthens our love for each other.

President James E. Faust said: “Spiritual oneness is the anchor. . . Marriages can die from a lack of spiritual nourishment.” In Doctrine and Covenants 88:40 we learn that: “intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light.” Although they are very different, my parents are equally yoked spiritually. When my Mom was about my age, she was feeling frustrated about the amount of time my Dad’s calling was taking. He was bishop and it seemed that every time they sat down to eat dinner the phone would ring. She felt like they had very little time when he could just be with the family. She was feeling frustrated about this when they were going to ward temple night. She told my Dad that she was tired of church things and didn’t want to go. He said: “We’ve got a babysitter; we should take advantage of it. If you want, I’ll drop you off at the mall.” They lived in California where the malls are open and it was raining. Mom decided to go to the temple and something extraordinary happened. She told me: “I didn’t deserve it, but I got the most wonderful revelation when I was in the temple. I knew that Dad and I were a remarkable team. That we could do so much more together than apart! That the combination of the two of us made us so much more capable of building the kingdom of God! The Lord magnified Dad’s calling and he could not be a bishop without my help!” Mom was elated when she left the temple and as they were talking on the way home Dad told her: “I had a feeling in the temple that we are so much more together than we would be apart. We are an incredible team!” Both of my parents received the same revelation that day—and it was revelation that my Mom sorelyneeded. God is the source of love and joy and inviting him into your marriage enhances those feelings.

President Kimball said:

“If we pursue the goals of an eternal marriage with purity and with both our hearts and minds, I believe in most cases we will eventually be rewarded with a companion who is at least our spiritual equal and who will cleave unto intelligence and light as we do, who will receive wisdom as we receive it, who will embrace truth as we embrace it, and who will love virtue as we love it. To spend the eternities with a companion who shares the most important fundamental values with us and who will discuss them, live them, and join in teaching them to children is among the most soul-satisfying experiences of true romantic love. To know that there will be someone who walks a parallel path of goodness and growth with us and yearns for the same eternal values and happiness is of great comfort.”

I know that building friendship, expressing love and gratitude, showing respect, and sharing our spiritual journeys strengthens our eternal marriages. I know that the Lord longs for us to be happy in our relationships. If we are not happy in our relationships there is hope! With the help of the spirit of the Lord we can work through any challenge! Heavenly Father wants us to have eternal marriages and wants us to know that eternal marriage is accessible to all of us. I’m grateful that the church emphasizes our eternal relationships because this allows us to see past our temporary challenges and work for the kind of relationship that is worth having forever. I’m grateful for the example that my parents set for me as I was growing up. I’m grateful for Daniel who understands who I am and who I yearn to be.

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 21st, 2007 at 12:35 pm and is filed under True and Living. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.